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by creative_mind86



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Childhood Memories, Comfort, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Love, Memories, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-17
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-03-30 23:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 38,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3956251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creative_mind86/pseuds/creative_mind86
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki misses Frigga immensely and when he is at his lowest point Sigyn comes into his life. She carries memories of Frigga with her she wants to share with him. The memories reveal parts of Loki’s life he didn’t know yet and put situations in different perspective. Will it help Loki to deal with his loss and let go of the past?</p><p>With this fic I tried to “heal” the bond between Loki and Odin. It was not an easy job. You may decide if I managed to do it or not :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have finished this fic, but I am waiting for my beta to complete the last three chapters. I really want to thank Korilian though for reading my fic and not only help me with my spelling/grammar, but also look at my fic with a critical eye!
> 
> This fic is written from Loki’s point of view and starts after Thor the Dark World.
> 
> I LOVE Norse mythology and I have made some use of it here and there. But don't worry, it’s still Marvel!

Loki was standing against a pillar. He had his arms crossed before his chest and was looking at the gods and nobles dressed in their most magnificent outfit. They all wore clothes from the finest silk and the dresses of the women were made from the richest of colours. Their ears and necks were decorated with diamonds. Yes, diamonds were the fashion of this year. The fashion every year, come to think of it.

It was Thor’s birthday, his two thousands and hundred something, something. Loki did not know precisely, did not care to know. Every year the feast had the same routine. First there was the part where everyone was eating, drinking and dancing. Then the eating stopped while the drinking went on and on. Conversation would slowly grow louder and louder, until only the voices of Thor and Volstagg echoed through the halls of the palace.

Thor was smiling his broad smile as he shook everyone’s hand. He talked and clapped some men on their shoulder. The women he kissed on their hands. He made some of the younger girls giggle and left them behind with flushed cheeks.

But all the smiles, all the well wishes, all the politeness, were an attempt to fall in good graces with the crown prince, with the future king. It was all fake. Loki could see it in their eyes. They pretended to have a good time with each other and made conversation about absolutely nothing. Talking to the right people, no, being seen talking to the right people, that was important, like their clothing and their jewels.

In earlier years Loki used to have fun observing them, mimicking their expressions, their attempts to look as important as possible. But over the years observing them made him sad to be part of such a crowd. But he was not a part now, was he? Not really. People ignored him and now even Thor, his big brother, didn’t want to be in his presence anymore.

And why would he? Loki betrayed Odin, more than once. He even pretended to be him. He was very successful, but Thor discovered him when he came back from Midgard after his breakup with Jane. Somehow Loki could not hold his pretence any longer, or Thor was finally crafty enough to discover his tricks. At first Thor was glad Loki was not dead after all, but soon enough they ended up fighting. Thor thought Loki had planned to fake his death and take the throne. He was even worried Loki killed Odin, until he found out the king was just asleep.

At first Loki wanted to explain how things went, but Thor believed so strongly in his own story that Loki stopped trying. Maybe asking Thor to spare him imprisonment and a life without his magic wasn’t helping his argument. But he didn’t care. In the end Thor agreed to plead Loki’s case to Odin and Loki got what he wanted anyway. Well, part of it. He hadn’t expected that he would be required to show up for these kinds of feasts as well.

A laughter, a genuine laughter penetrated his ears then and broke him from his thoughts. He looked up and spotted the woman whose smile was one of the prettiest he had seen in a long time. He could see her eyes shining with joy, even from across the hall. She was standing with two other women who looked at her as if they were impressed by her sincerity as well. Even when she talked her lips curled up and her eyes kept on shining. She seemed to be the centre of attention, at least she was for the two women she was talking to. He found he could not stop looking at her.

He froze when she turned her gaze towards him. Her smile did not fade from her face when their eyes met. Loki frowned. Was she really looking at him? She was, wasn’t she? She even bowed her head a little to greet him before she turned to her companions again. He waited if she would do it once more, even though he knew this was a rare occurrence already. But she indeed looked at him for a second time.

Loki decided to do something he promised himself not to. He promised himself to stay at the same place the whole evening, to not enjoy himself. But wasn’t he the trickster, the joker, the one who caused some commotion, some chaos maybe? So Loki straightened his posture and placed his arms beside his body. With long strides he walked towards her. He knew, even without his horned helmet he looked tall. People moved aside when he made his way, his cloak flowing up behind him.

When he arrived at the party of three women he reached his hand to the one with the smiling mouth and shining eyes. He interrupted their conversation.

‘May I have this dance?’ he asked her with a confident voice.

She turned towards him and he saw surprise in her eyes. He lifted his face a little, to impress her a bit more, maybe. Quickly she looked towards her two companions. She couldn’t say no, Loki knew. She couldn’t say no to a prince of Asgard, even if he was the dark prince. They nodded slightly and when she looked at him, she smiled, not her genuine smile that tricked him to come to her. No, her smile was fake, her eyes weren’t even showing any joy. And why would they? Why would they indeed? He almost regretted he asked and lowered his face. But when he wanted to withdrawal his hand, she placed hers in his.

‘Of course’, she answered. ‘I’ll be honoured.’

 _No, you are not_ , Loki thought, but led her to the dancefloor anyway. He placed one arm around her waist and took one hand in his. She placed her arm around his shoulder and when the music was ready, he pushed her into movement. She was tall, he noticed now, when he held her close. She had copper blonde hair and blue eyes, darker than Thor’s. Her dress matched her eyes and her sapphire blue hairpin, which held one ear clear from her long hair.

She held her posture stiff, tense, and did not look at him once. He had forgotten how to make meaningless conversation. He could, in his younger days, make a woman feel at ease with his smooth talk and praises. Thor might have his looks, but Loki had his words. And he knew how to impress a girl, even without muscles. He had his magic. He could always count on his magic.

‘What’s your favourite colour?’ he asked her.

She looked up at him, her eyes bewildered. ‘I beg your pardon?’

But he knew she understood him well. ‘Don’t be boring and tell me you don’t have one.’

She smiled a bit and lowered her eyes. ‘Well, since you asked, my favourite colour is green.’

He grinned. ‘Then why, pray tell, are you wearing blue instead?’

‘I am a secret admirer of the colour.’

‘A secret admirer?’

‘Yes, one would not want this exclusive colour to be worn by all, now would one?’ She looked at him, her eyes shone provocatively.

He smiled, _smart answer_ , he thought and brought his mouth close to her ear. ‘Maybe not.’

Then he twirled her around and when doing so, the colour of her dress changed into a light moss green. When the sparks died down, he let her hand go. She looked down at herself, amazed. The people who stood nearby looked at her with the same amazement in their eyes. The women who she talked to earlier came towards her and pointed at her hairpin, even the stone was turned into an emerald. A nice detail, if Loki thought so himself.

When she looked at him again, he grinned and bowed slightly. When he walked away he could hear people whispering and he could hear her voice talking with excitement. He smiled.

*

The air was cold that night, just how he liked it. Maybe it was even close to snowing now. The air felt electrifying. He placed his arms at the rail of the high balcony and looked up. The sky was bright and the riches of the galaxy were shown to him. It made him joyful and sad, for he could only think about Frigga. She taught him the beauty of the universe, the beauty of the night sky. It was one of the many things he enjoyed sharing with her, besides the magic she had taught him. When he was young they would lay together in the grass on nights like these, her pointing to the stars, to the planets, him listening to her stories, stories about other princes and princesses living far, far away. He hadn’t travelled the Bifrost yet, so everything she told him, he considered as the utmost truth. He fantasized about those other realms and meeting their people.

But everything beautiful she had taught him seemed to disappear when she died. When she was killed. Now there seemed nothing more than emptiness and he could never look at the night sky such as this, without thinking about what he had lost. He would never see her again, he knew that much to be truth. She died in battle, defending a righteous cause. She would spend the rest of her existence in Valhalla, while he himself would wander in Helheim until eternity, when his life, like he knew it now would end.

It was ironic. She was the one who he bonded with the most, who kept him here, kept him in Asgard. Now, when he had nothing to keep him here, he was trapped. Trapped in a life with a man he despised the most and his perfect son, while running away was no option. The portals he travelled were guarded and sealed by Odin’s strong magic. He tried many times to escape, but was forced to return, sometimes the guards used physical methods to bring him back to the palace. Asgard was his prison. Odin held the galaxy safe from Loki’s presence. He could do no real harm here, he had no friends, no allies. He was nothing but a false prince of Asgard, he was nothing without her here.

‘Well, you managed to astonish everyone. Don’t blame me when they are all wearing green the next time the palace holds a feast.’

Loki stiffened. It was her, she followed him to the balcony. He hadn’t noticed her standing behind him and it felt like she was invading his most private thoughts. He wondered how long she had been standing there and how long he had been exposed like this, off-guard, off in dark thoughts.

‘Maybe you should consider loving another colour secretly, then’, Loki replied, his voice sounded rough and unbalanced. He did not turn around.

‘Maybe’, she answered.

When she walked towards him, he straightened his body, while he kept his face towards the fields. It hadn’t been his intention to lure her outside. Maybe when he was younger, before things happened, before he _knew_. But that seemed such a long time ago, such a very, very long time ago.

She looked up. ‘I always love the night. It’s like the sky is opening up to us and showing us all her beauty. Don’t you think so?’

He felt her gaze on him, but he could not look at her. Her words reminded him of his mother, no, Frigga. He clenched his jaw, no, his mother. For how much he wanted to deny it, how much he wanted it not to hurt so, he could not. She _was_ his mother.

When the woman laid her hand on his arm he froze. ‘I miss her as well.’

Loki looked at the woman, but quickly turned around when his eyes welled up with tears. He walked some steps away from her.

‘She was such a beautiful, kind and wise woman and she loved you very, very much.’

Loki could not help the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. Her words struck him and he did not even know who she was. He wanted to believe her, believe her so badly. For he knew he had pained Frigga, pained her over and over again. She would not be proud at him, she could not be proud at him ever again, not after the attack on New York.

He clenched his hands into fists and turned around. He looked the woman straight into her eyes.

‘How do you know that?’ his voice was cold and hard.

‘Because I knew her. She was one of my dearest friends.’

Loki narrowed his eyes. ‘Is that so? Why haven’t I seen you in the palace before then?’

‘Because I resided in Fensalir, like many other women.’

The young woman walked towards him, Loki straightened his back. How dare she come so close without his invitation? Did she not know who he was? Sure, they danced just now, but somehow this seemed more intimate than their dancing, even though there was still more space between them.

‘She shared some memories with me before she died’, the woman continued. ‘Memories about you, about Thor and Odin. I can show you, if you want?’

Loki frowned. ‘Show me what?’

The woman took both his hands and brought them to her temples.

But Loki pulled away from her. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I only want to show you a memory of Frigga. Trust me.’

Trust her? He didn’t trust her at all. Who was she? Some kind of spy from Odin? Tempting him with sweet words about Frigga, to do what? Control him? Contain him? He already was contained. He couldn’t go anywhere, not with all the guards. So Odin could be satisfied, he got what he wanted. The big bad monster trapped, imprisoned, controlled and contained.

But the way the woman looked at him, as if she _knew_ him, really knew him like only Frigga did, scared him the most. Odin was good, but not this good. He could manoeuvre a pretty woman in Loki’s life to get close to him maybe, but not like this, not like _her_. She somehow was too genuine. Her laughter, her eyes. He could distinguish fake from real, he could count on that. He knew fake. He knew real.

‘You don’t have to be scared.’ she continued.

‘I am not’, he said with resolution in his voice. But still his hands were shaking a bit when he brought them to her temples.

‘Now, close your eyes’, she commanded and closed her eyes.

Loki looked at her. How could she just close her eyes in front of him? She was totally unguarded; he could harm her any second. If she truly knew who he was, she would not do this. It had to be fake, it had to be a trick, but he closed his eyes anyway.

*

It was high summer in Asgard, the sky was clear blue and the sun shone bright. Loki and Thor were running through the fields around de palace, their hairs were dancing above the high grass. They were running towards a large tree at the river. They were laughing, a genuine child’s laughter. Thor arrived first and jumped to the lowest branch.

‘Look what I can do, mother!’ he yelled and swung himself before he made a high jump down.

Frigga approached them and clapped in her hands. ‘Well done, Thor.’

Loki looked at his brother, he could reach the branch as well, he was taller than Thor, even though he was younger. Loki looked at his mother then with a certainty in his eyes that he could impress her as well.

‘Look what I can do.’

Frigga watched him while Loki made a few cartwheels after another. When he made three cartwheels he stopped and walked towards her. She clapped for him as well. But his steps weren’t straight and he stumbled into her arms. Thor laughed, but she stroked him softly through his black hair.

‘That was really beautiful, Loki. Thank you for showing me.’

Loki looked up at her and smiled. He buried his nose against her belly and she pressed him against her.

‘Now, go and take that swim with your brother.’

Loki nodded and turned towards Thor who was already undressing.

*

The memory faded and Loki opened his eyes. He blinked several times before he realised he was in the present time again, here with the woman who was showing him a part of his childhood. He had memories about this event too. It was hot that day and Loki and Thor were begging to go to the river and take a swim. None of their nannies thought it was a good idea, they could better stay inside and avoid any sun. But Loki and Thor were bored and wanted to go. Finally their mother was the one who went with them.

It was a bittersweet memory. Loki remembered his mother’s warm and sweet scent like she was still here and for a moment she was there. It really felt like she embraced him and patted him like she always did when he was a child. In that moment he never wanted to leave her embrace and he would do absolutely anything to make his mother proud of him. The love he felt for her then never faded, changed maybe, but never faded, even though it was put to the test.

‘So here you are, brother!’

Loki removed his hands from the woman’s temples immediately when he heard Thor approaching. He only then noticed they must have been standing like that for quite a while after the memory faded and she was looking at him intently. When Thor placed his strong arm around Loki’s shoulders he stiffened.

‘You put on quite a show back there!’ his brother yelled in his ear while holding ale in his hand. ‘Trying to impress a pretty lady, like in the old days?’

Loki looked at Thor, who had a big smile on his face when he gazed to the woman in front of them. Loki clenched his hands into fists and pushed his brother away from him.

‘Leave me alone Thor!’ Loki yelled and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

Loki couldn’t sleep that night. He turned from one side to the other. He thought about what happened that evening. He had a zillion of questions. How did the memory become so lively? It was as if he was really there again, in that moment, on that hot day in the summer. He could really feel the grass tickling against his face and the heat of the sun. He could even smell his mother’s scent. Was it a trick? The woman clearly had magic, he could feel that when he touched her temples. But why would she trick him and why with this particular memory? She could only know about this if Frigga, Thor or he himself had told her, no other was present that day.

When he turned to his other side again but still could not catch his sleep, he decided to rise and head to the library. He had to know. Maybe his mother used some spell to make it livelier, or the woman had done that herself. He placed a long black sleeveless overcoat over his silk green pyjama and put his slippers on before he left his chambers. The halls were silent apart from some late party people who were heading towards their chambers. It was still dark but the light from the new day wasn’t far away. Guards were present around his chambers and in the halls, but he used a cloaking spell to outsmart them.

He took the torch that was burning next to the entrance doors from his socket and brought it inside with him. He walked straight to the magic section. Even without the fire from the torch he would know where to find it. He searched for the books about mind control or mind spells, because if his mother used a spell while sharing her memories, it had something to do with the mind.

After Loki gathered some books he seated himself at the large wooden table and placed the torch in the holder. It wasn’t hard to find what he was looking for. He was right, his mother used a mind control spell, but not a total mind control spell. It did not burden the person who was carrying the memories, it did not erase his or her own memories and it was not something that person was thinking about constantly. He or she was not reliving it over and over again. No, it was only activated when someone else was putting his hands on their temples and they both were concentrated.

His mother probably didn’t tell that woman everything about her memories, they were too detailed for that, this one at least was. So she must have transferred her memories directly. Maybe because she wanted them to be as they were, lively and realistic. The spell wasn’t that hard to accomplish, his mother could have done it with ease. But why would she do that? And why to this woman? Who was she anyway, this “friend” of hers? He did not even know her name.

*

Loki heard someone calling his name. First it seemed far away but it got closer and closer until his brain responded and he opened his eyes. The pillow he had rested his head on wasn’t soft but hard and he then realised he wasn’t in his chamber but in the library. He focussed his gaze on the face of the person who was sitting next to him and recognized that woman.

‘Are you all right?’ she asked.

Loki straightened his back instantly. The paper that stuck on his cheek was almost pulled from the book.

He cleared his throat. ‘I am fine.’

But he was not fine. She caught him off-guard, again! He didn’t remember falling asleep. He wouldn’t normally fall asleep here or anywhere outside his chambers where others could catch him off-guard. He looked around, the torch died out and daylight shone through the high windows. It had to be midday. He looked at her again. It was strange to see her here, after she was on his mind all night.

‘What are you doing here? I thought you never came to the palace.’

The woman rose and went over to the bookcase he himself searched last night.

‘Oh, I have been here before’, she answered. ‘The collection in Fensalir is rather thin, you see.’

Loki narrowed his eyes. ‘I have never seen you here before.’

The woman turned around towards him. ‘Maybe you weren’t really looking, because I have seen you.’

Loki rose and closed the book in front of him with a loud bang.

‘Who are you?’ he asked, unable to hide his irritation.

‘My name is Sigyn’, she answered plain.

‘Sigyn who?’

‘Sigyn Björnsdottir.’

Loki frowned.

‘My parents own an estate outside the city’, she explained further.

‘So your family are farmers?’

Sigyn shook her head. ‘Farmers work on the fields around the estate.’

‘So you are nobility then’, he said, already bored of it all. All of the people in the castle were of noble birth, Asgard seemed to be loaded with nobility, why should she be any different? But she was different, was she? She had magic and above all Frigga trusted her with her memories. Treasured memories.

‘When did you join Frigga’s companionship?’

‘Just before Thor’s supposed coronation.’

‘Ah.’ Loki remembered that day very well. That day was the day it all started with. His “betrayal” led to a discovery of a much bigger betrayal, a “fatherly” betrayal.

Loki gathered the books in his arms and walked towards her. ‘Pray do tell, how did you fell in such good graces with the queen so quickly?’

Sigyn narrowed her eyes. ‘What do you mean?’

‘She shared her most valuable memories and I keep on wondering why you, why of all you?’

‘I already told you, I was one of her closest companions.’

‘Right.’ He pushed the books in her arms. ‘When did she begin to share her memories with you?’ he asked, his voice demanding.

Sigyn turned around to the bookcase and placed the books back on the shelf. ‘Just before the Dark Elves attacked’, she answered softly.

‘How? With a mind spell?’

Sigyn nodded.

‘Why?’ Loki pressed on.

When Sigyn looked at him he saw her cheeks reddening. ‘I can’t tell you.’

Loki grabbed her wrist. ‘I _need_ to know.’

‘I can’t.’

Sigyn wanted to tear from his grasp, but he held her tighter. ‘Yes you can, show me.’

He placed his hands on her temples and closed his eyes.

*

He was back again to the moment in his prison cell, talking to his mother, telling her with resolution in his voice that Odin wasn’t his father.

‘Then am I not your mother?’ Frigga asked softly.

‘You're not’, Loki answered plain.

Frigga looked hurt, shocked maybe, but after a moment she smiled.

‘You're always so perceptive about everyone but yourself.’

Tears formed in Loki’s eyes, but when he reached for her she disappeared.

*

Loki opened his eyes. ‘Not this memory!’ he yelled.

He hated that moment. He had pained her there, he had pained himself when he rejected her and it was too late now to take back his words. But he always hoped she didn’t believe him and that was the reason she had smiled. He’d lied. She was and always would be his mother, no matter what.

‘Show me something else’, he demanded.

But Sigyn pushed him away, she looked hurt, shocked even. She had only seen a sweet childhood memory and heard nice stories Frigga had told her. Not the painful stuff, not the mean bastard he _really_ was. She had to know he wasn’t mister nice guy, but she hadn’t known about this particular moment, rejecting the woman that loved him the most in the world, rejecting his mother.

‘That’s not how this works’, she shook her head. ‘That’s not how any of this works’, her voice trembled. She turned around and walked away.

*

Loki pricked in his food with his fork. He’d thought all afternoon about how he could make it up to Sigyn. He had to, he needed to, for he wanted to know more, needed to know why his mother shared her memories and _she_ was the only one who carried the answer. She said she couldn’t tell him why, but Loki didn’t believe her. Frigga wouldn’t share her memories without a reason and not with someone she didn’t trust. It could reveal secrets, intimate moments, horrible moments. She’d already experienced one of them. Sigyn had to be more than just a close companion, she had to be. Frigga could have shared her memories with anyone. Eir had been her closest companion, she was always at Frigga’s side, at least at public gatherings. What made his mother choose Sigyn?

Suddenly his fork was ripped out of his hand and before he could understand what was happening, shoved into his mouth.

Odin loomed over him with a face like a thundercloud, ‘Now chew!’

Loki didn’t look up, but felt Odin’s breath in his neck. He did what the king demanded. The food was cold and it tasted like dust in his mouth. All of the food tasted like this lately. He couldn’t even remember how it was supposed to taste. He almost choked.

‘Swallow!’

Loki shook his head.

Odin slammed on the table. ‘I demand it!’

With great difficulty he swallowed it down. His mouth was dry and he wanted to wash it away with water, but there was only wine. He placed his hand to his mouth, convinced it would come back up again.

‘That wasn’t so hard, now was it?’ Odin said and with big steps he walked away.

Finally Loki looked up. The people at the table were looking at him with big eyes. Loki felt his face redden and somewhat clumsily he stood up. His chair would have fallen if the man who was sitting next to him hadn’t grabbed it. He swiftly walked back to his chambers and was just in time to find the lavatory.

*

The halls of Fensalir were as Loki remembered, high and light. Big windows rose to the ceiling and in the middle was a large pond surrounded with plants and benches. The water of the fountain falling down made a soothing sound. He had been here as a child and always played at the pond. He liked to lure the colourful fish to him and try to catch them. They always escaped between his fingers, slithering creatures as they are. Once he became a teenager he didn’t get to visit his mother here. He hadn’t realized he missed this place so much until now. The scent reminded him of her.

‘May I ask what you are doing here, sir?’

Loki looked at the middle aged woman who came towards him and he frowned. Not many times in his life he was called sir as if someone did not know who he was. She had to be joking. Did not everyone in Asgard know who he was? If not as the son of Odin then at least as the noted villain.

‘Men aren’t allowed in the halls of Fensalir’, she explained when she saw the expression on Loki’s face.

‘I’m looking for Sigyn Björnsdottir. Is she around?’

‘May I inquire after your name, sir?’

Loki straightened his back. ‘I am Loki, prince of Asgard.’

The woman’s eyes grew big and her face reddened. Loki grinned. So she _had_ heard of him after all.

‘I will see what I can do for you, my prince’, she stammered.

She bowed her head lightly and wanted to walk away, but there was no need.

‘Loki. What are you doing here?’

Loki turned around and saw Sigyn walking towards him. She wore a deep purple dress and her long hair was braided. Her eyes looked stern but concerned as well.

‘Men can’t come in here’, she followed.

‘So I heard’, Loki replied and looked at the other woman.

Sigyn nodded towards her. ‘Thank you, Syn.’

Syn looked at her and then at Loki, bowed her head slightly again and walked away.

Loki raised his eyebrows. ‘Who is she? Your guard or something?’

Sigyn rolled her eyes and grabbed Loki’s arm. She guided him towards a niche between the first two windows. ‘What do you want?’ she asked, her voice didn’t sound amused.

Loki cleared his throat and looked straight into her eyes. He had practiced this the whole night. He had to say it without any hesitation, it had to sound as if he really meant it, as if he really cared. ‘I wanted to apologize for my behaviour yesterday in the library. I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way.’

Sigyn shook her head. ‘You didn’t hurt me, Loki. But you did cross a line there, abusing my personal space like that. The memories I have to share are on mutual terms only, if you respect that we can continue. If not, then this was our last conversation.’

Loki swallowed and averted his gaze from her face. She was straightforward, he had to give her that. It was a relief after so many people saying to him what he wanted to hear, or not telling the truth at all. It was confronting, yes, harsh maybe, but clear.

He looked at her again. ‘Would you like to take a walk with me this afternoon?’

Sigyn nodded. ‘I would.’


	3. Chapter 3

The snow crunched under their feet as they walked across the fields towards the big tree at the river, the tree from the first memory Sigyn shared with him. Loki breathed deeply. It had been a while since he had been outside, his last time was after another attempt to escape Asgard, he, of course, failed. He loved the snow. It wasn’t often that Asgard was covered with a thick blanket like this. The cold air that entered his lungs seemed to clear his mind.

He looked at Sigyn, she wore a fur coat, winter boots, gloves and a hat. Her nose and cheeks were red and her pale skin looked even paler.

‘Do you have brothers or sisters?’ he asked, knowing he had to make conversation somehow.

‘I have. One sister and thr…, two brothers’, she answered.

‘Do you visit them often, your family?’

‘Not so often as I should.’

‘Should or want?’

Sigyn looked at him and smiled. Then she frowned, ‘Aren’t you cold?’ she asked as if she just saw him for the first time and maybe she really did look for the first time. He didn’t wear all the extra protection against the cold as she, just a black leather suit and an overcoat.

He raised his eyebrows and stopped walking. ‘Don’t say you don’t know who I really am, or I swear I will turn around right now.’

Sigyn’s face reddened even more, now in a different kind of way and she averted her eyes. ‘I am sorry, of course I know. It’s just…’ she stammered. ‘It’s just so easy to forget. You look like an Asgardian.’

Loki started walking again. ‘Mm, I am glad Odin’s strong magic is still doing its work.’

‘Don’t you ever wonder how it would be like if you were raised in Jotunheim?’ Sigyn asked carefully when they arrived at the big tree. ‘I mean, it seems like you really enjoy this weather.’

‘I don’t wonder’, Loki answered curt.

‘Why not?’

‘My real father left me to die, don’t you know?’ He walked towards the low branch he and Thor hurled themselves at when they were just boys and lay his hand upon it. ‘Ironic.’

‘What is?’

‘One left me behind when I was just an innocent babe and one captures me when I am the biggest monster.’

‘Odin loves you.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists and turned around. ‘He has a funny way of showing it then, shoving me food down my throat while everyone is watching.’

‘He is concerned about you.’

‘Concerned? Don’t make me laugh, he just wants to control me.’

Sigyn walked towards him. ‘Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?’

‘I am not blind, Sigyn.’

‘You need to eat, Loki.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Tell me, how is your magic? Not well, I reckon.’

Loki looked away from her. His magic was something he worried about. Normally he could feel it flowing through his veins and could feel it from the top of his head until the end of his toes. When he rubbed the top of his thumb and forefinger against each other, even if it was very lightly, he could feel the power come to life and electricity arose between those fingers. Now, even if he tried very hard, he couldn’t get it together. He could only do the easiest spells, like cloaking spells, otherwise he was worn out all day. But he didn’t want to worry about it too much, it would pass, his magic had just hit a temporary dip. This was what he told himself, not what he believed.

Tears formed in his eyes, but he didn’t want them to come to full existence and swallowed, hard.

‘How can I eat, when everything tastes like dust?’

Sigyn laid her hand on his forearm. ‘I can help you.’

Loki pulled himself away from her. ‘I don’t want your help’, his voice sounded rough. ‘I don’t want anything from you.’ He turned around and walked back to the palace, she didn’t follow him.

*

Loki was one of the latest to arrive at the dinner table that evening. People stared at him when he walked to the head of the table where Odin was seated. He missed his seat at the end, no one was paying any attention to him there, but unfortunately the king himself decided otherwise. He walked passed Thor, the Warriors Three and Sif. He watched them, but when his gaze crossed with his brother’s he looked away.

Dinner was served as usual and Loki wasn’t looking forward to this moment, but he came up with a plan to avoid the same disastrous event of the previous night. He would pretend to eat but, just as he did with his daggers, hide it somewhere unseen. He would throw it away later when he was back on his own.

When he had taken his seat, Odin entered and everyone was allowed to dish up. When Loki served himself he felt the watchful eye of Odin burning upon him. He kept on watching him while he was pretending to eat. But his plan worked, when Odin thought Loki was chewing and swallowing he averted his gaze and started a conversation with his closest table companions. Loki grinned, because of course he wasn’t chewing anything, wasn’t swallowing anything. It seemed, after the shameful occurrence, a small victory.

*

Hollow eyes and sunken cheeks that’s what he saw in the mirror. His eyes were dull, just like his hair. His hands were bony, not to mention the rest of his body. He covered it with clothes, clothes that were pre-formed. He reckoned others wouldn’t see how thin he had become, almost skeleton like, but maybe he was wrong. He placed his hands before his eyes.

He dreamed about Frigga every night. He smelled her scent, felt her hand stroking through his hair, so softly. He felt her warmth and she spoke to him, he never knew what she said, but her words were sweet, so sweet. Every night he couldn’t wait to fall asleep and every morning he regretted he woke. The closest he could get when he was awake were Frigga’s memories stuck in Sigyn’s head. He knew this, but he didn’t want to depend on it, depend on _her_. She with her questions, questions he didn’t want to think about at all. He walked to his bed and crawled under the sheets. The fire was dying out and he hoped sleep would come very soon.

*

To his unpleasant surprise he found Sigyn sitting at his breakfast table the next morning. She smiled at him when he walked in. ‘Good morning’, she sounded cheerful, too cheerful.

Loki froze. ‘What are you doing here? Who let you in?’

‘Your valet.’ Sigyn moved the chair next to her from the table. ‘Please take a seat.’

Loki crossed his arms before his chest. He had no authority to fire his valet, he was appointed by Odin, but if he could, he would, without question. ‘No. First you tell me what you are doing here? Who sent you?’

‘No one sent me.’

‘Did I not make myself clear yesterday? I don’t _want_ your help. So please go.’

‘Loki, please, listen to me…’

Loki pointed at the door. ‘Leave.’

Sigyn stood up. ‘No, I won’t leave until you listened to me.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists. ‘How dare you…’

‘I know why you can’t eat, why everything tastes like dust’, she interrupted him. ‘I know because I had the same problem. I had a third brother, my youngest. We were very close, he was the only one in my family who had magic as well. We practised together and we could talk about it for hours. But he suffered from depression and from time to time he locked himself in his room, or ran away from home. One day a farmer who worked on the fields at our estate came to our door and said he found him. He…’ Sigyn swallowed and looked away. ‘He had killed himself’, she said softly.

Loki slowly let go of his haughty posture and rested his arms beside his body when Sigyn took a moment before she continued. When she looked at him again he saw tears in her eyes, the pain they held was real.

‘The only thing I could do after that was cry and when I didn’t cry I slept. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t breathe almost. My parents didn’t know what to do with me, they asked doctors and healers, but no one could help me. In the meantime I became weaker and weaker, my magic seemed to disappear and I almost thought I would die. My parents sent me to the palace then, they thought specialists could fix me. But the one who got me back together was Frigga. She taught me how to deal with the pain, with the emptiness I felt and helped me eating again.’ Sigyn walked towards him. ‘I learned a lot from her, so please let me help you.’

Loki looked away. He clenched his hands into fists again and bit his lower lip. Her story, however true, wasn’t comparable to his. Yes, she lost someone very dear to her, but Frigga was his mother, _his_ mother. She was dearer to him than anything in this world, the only person who loved him maybe, who _he_ ever loved, who he trusted, who was his home. With her gone he felt like the ground was lifted from his feet and now he was nowhere, surviving on the last thread of life he found in himself.

‘You can’t,’ he answered with a trembling voice.

‘May I show you something?’

Loki turned his gaze towards her and nodded.

‘Place your hands on my temples then and close your eyes.’

When Loki did what Sigyn asked he was brought back to a memory of his mother.

*

Frigga was walking back and forth in her chamber. Two companions were waiting with her, they were standing in the back, hands folded in front of them. The night was fallen and the fire was burning. When the door opened Frigga stopped pacing and looked up. First two guards entered before Odin walked in, in his arms he held a cloth.

Frigga walked towards him. ‘Thank the Norns you are all right’, she said to him relieved.

‘Apart from the usual battle wounds’, Odin answered. ‘But they will heal.’

Frigga looked concerned at him and stroked his hair out of his face, but she got distracted from the noise that came from his arms. It was the soft sound of a baby yawning. Odin moved the cloth so Frigga could see what he carried. It was a baby and it was about to wake up. Frigga looked up at her husband again.

‘They already told me you came home with a treasure, but I did not expect this.’

‘I found him on a rock, left alone by his kin. I couldn’t leave him there, Frigga. He would die.’

Carefully Odin placed the boy in Frigga’s arms. The fire lightened his black hair.

‘Is he really one of… them?’ Frigga asked carefully.

‘Yes, but when I held him in my arms he turned like this.’

Frigga frowned. ‘You say he did this on his own?’

Odin nodded. ‘I didn’t use my magic on him, I wouldn’t, not on a child.’

Frigga stroked the baby’s cheek. ‘He adapted to you then?’

‘He did. But before he turned I could decipher a name from the signs on his body. It said Loki.’

Frigga smiled. ‘Loki’, she whispered. Once she said his name he began to stir and open his eyes. They were green, bright green and tears formed in Frigga’s eyes. ‘It’s a miracle.’ She looked to Odin. ‘We tried for so long for another child.’

Odin nodded and pressed a kiss on her forehead, but she couldn’t hold her gaze from the baby in her arms. She tickled his belly and he laughed softly while he reached for her face. ‘You are such a pretty boy’, she said and buried her nose against his tiny body.

Loki grabbed her hair but it slid through his tiny fingers when she met Odin’s gaze again. ‘I have to find a wet nurse, he needs to eat as soon as possible.’ She turned towards her companions. ‘Get Astrid for me, will you? She just gave birth to her daughter, her milk will be perfect for Loki.’ The two nodded and disappeared via the hidden door.

Frigga turned towards Odin and smiled with tears of joy in her eyes. ‘I can’t believe it, it’s the most valuable treasure you ever brought home to me.’

Odin laid his hand on her cheek and smiled as well.

When she looked down in her arms again, she saw Loki was playing with a string of her hair. ‘Loki’, she whispered again. ‘My son, my beautiful son.’

*

Loki cried, yes he cried and he didn’t even try to hide it, he couldn’t, even if he would. When he looked at Sigyn he saw tears in her eyes as well. Slowly he let her go, but he couldn’t hold himself on his feet and grabbed for the mantelpiece. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and he reached for the buttons closest to his throat and snatched them open.

From the first moment she held him in her arms he was her son. It didn’t matter where he came from, he was a miracle, _her_ miracle, and it always felt like that, it felt like she always treasured him, even after the terrible things he had done.

‘Please, let me help you’, Sigyn said softly. ‘Do it for Frigga, do it for her, she who gave you life.’

Loki looked at Sigyn and nodded, slowly.


	4. Chapter 4

Loki claimed a study table in the library for himself once again. After his chambers this was his favourite place in the palace, it might even be his favourite place overall. Several books lay open in front of him. Some of them were very old, written in times when runes were just discovered. By Odin, or so they said... Loki turned the pages with care.

Old or not, all of the books were on one and the same subject; Jotunheim and Jotuns. Sigyn had not only shown him that Frigga loved Loki the moment she held him in her arms, but Sigyn had also given him some information he hadn’t know. He always thought he looked like an Asgardian because of Odin’s strong magic, because _he_ turned him like that. But in Frigga’s memory Odin denied using magic on him and claimed it was Loki’s own magic that shifted him to his Asgardian form. He could have lied to Frigga of course, but why would he? Frigga wouldn’t have loved him less if he had used his magic. She had the child she wanted.

Although Loki knew he had always carried magic, he hadn’t know he could use it from such an early age. Unfortunately the books about Jotunheim and Jotuns didn’t tell him anything new. Most characteristic about the Jotuns was their survival mode, it was their biggest strength. New-borns who lacked one or more specific Jotun features were considered weak. Their parents left them behind to die or offered them to the Norns.

Magic wasn’t uncommon to the Jotuns, but like the Asgardians not common either. It wasn’t considered a weakness, but a strength, especially when used to survive. Maybe Laufey never knew Loki had magic, or he found his size such a big problem he left him behind anyway. Loki didn’t know and didn’t want to think about it too much.

Loki lied when Sigyn asked if he wondered what it would be like to have been grown up in Jotunheim. Of course he thought about it, more often than not. Behind their cruel appearance, a high sophisticated culture was hidden, where art and literature played a big role. He had wandered in Jotunheim for a while after he fell from the Bifrost. Disguised of course, he could not go like himself. The marks on his body would betray him in a moment and his height was a problem as well. So he disguised himself as a Frost Giant and mixed the patterns of his real body to something unrecognizable.

He discovered the Frost Giants mainly kept to themselves and were not keen on strangers. He made little conversation because no one was really willing to talk to him. But he did visit some old ruins and with his Frost Giant eyes discovered a world he did not know existed. The beauty of an old culture was hidden in all the ice. A play of light revealed stories of the past. It overwhelmed him and he felt a moment of joy. But sadness and bitterness were soon catching up. He cursed both Laufey and Odin, the first for leaving him to die, the second for moving him away from a realm that was his. Both didn’t want him to grow up in Jotunheim, both didn’t want him to grow up in the culture that was his own. He was denied a place he could call home. It was a person, his mother, he had called home.

‘Prince Loki.’

Loki looked up at the guard who was standing by his table.

He slightly bowed his head. ‘The king is asking for you to meet him in his study.’

Loki looked down at the books in front of him. Odin never asked for him, not even after New York or after his time pretending to be Odin himself. He couldn’t even remember the last time they met in private. Slowly he closed one of the older books.

‘Tell him I will be there in a moment.’

The guard bowed his head again and disappeared.

*

When Loki arrived in Odin’s study he wasn’t the only one summoned. Thor and Sigyn were there as well and Loki seemed to walk straight into a discussion between her and Odin.

‘Everyone needs a well-balanced diet’, Sigyn said.

Odin frowned. ‘And you say my table doesn’t measure up to this?’

‘Prince Thor told me you mostly serve meat and bread, hardly any vegetables or fish, lightweight food, food Loki can digest.’ Sigyn looked at the piece of parchment she held in her hand. ‘And I am missing water, why is there only wine on the menu?’

Odin let out a mocking laugh. ‘Do you think I can please my guests by serving water?’

‘It would please Loki if you did’, Sigyn answered sharply.

‘You pretend as if something is wrong with Loki.’

Sigyn’s eyes grew wide and she threw her arms in the air. ‘Pretend? Have you even looked at him? _Really_ looked at him? Anyone with eyes can see he’s not eating properly, he’s not doing well.’

Odin rose from his seat. ‘How _dare_ you speak to me like that?! Who are you anyway interfering with my table and the food I serve, interfering with my son?’

‘I told you father, she was a friend of mother’s and she wants to help’, Thor explained.

‘I don’t care who she is, she needs to leave, now! We don’t need her help.’

When Odin turned towards the door he saw Loki standing there. He froze for a moment and his eye fixated on him. Loki shivered, but held his face fixed.

‘Ah Loki, there you are. Tell me you’re doing fine, so this party can leave my study.’

‘I am doing fine’, Loki answered flat.

Odin turned towards Thor and Sigyn.

‘No, he’s not!’ Sigyn yelled. ‘He hasn’t eaten in months.’

‘I saw him eating just yesterday’, Odin said in his cold and detached voice.

Sigyn shook her head. ‘It’s a trick.’

Odin looked from her to Thor, who wasn’t saying much but was clearly not on his father’s side this time.

Loki was tired of other people talking about him like he wasn’t in the same room. Above all, he didn’t want them all to interfere with his life, especially not Odin. Allowing Sigyn to help was more than enough. And he was even starting to regret that as the time in the room passed by. Slowly he turned around and reached for the door, but before he could open it Odin called him back.

‘Loki.’

As he turned he saw Odin waving his hand from the corner of his eyes. He froze when all the food he put away in some undefined space dropped down out of the thin air beside him. He forgot to empty it when he came back to his chambers last night. Odin’s shoulders drooped a moment and some hint of regret glimmered in his eye. Loki averted his gaze and clenched his hands into fists. He hated her, she was clever and knew every trick in the book. She had betrayed him to the one he hated most and he would not forgive her for this.

‘Get someone to clean that up’, Odin commanded to the guard by the door.

‘Please, let me help him’, Sigyn pleaded when the guard had left. ‘I can accompany him, if you like.’

Odin turned his gaze towards Sigyn. ‘What are you? A miracle worker?’

‘Father, I told you…’ Thor answered.

‘Yes, yes. I know what you told me’, Odin interrupted him and he slammed on the table. It made the ground tremble, not to mention the stuff decorating his desk. ‘You spoiled little brat!’

Loki knew Odin was yelling at him. His heart was racing. He never got used to Odin’s sudden angry outbursts.

‘Look at me when I am talking to you!’

Loki looked up at Odin who was trying very hard, but failing to hold his anger.

‘This better work or I swear I will lock you up for the rest of your life.’

Loki swallowed hard, but held his posture upright and his gaze fixed. ‘Why don’t you already?’

‘Get out’, Odin pointed to the door. ‘Get out of my sight.’

Loki looked briefly at Thor and Sigyn but turned around and left.

*

That night Sigyn was there, sitting at the table with all the other privileged guests. If that was what she desired in the first place, then she achieved her goal in a most brilliant way, Loki had to admit that. But the little trust he’d had in her had left him completely. What did she gain from this? Maybe she wanted to be the next queen of Asgard and was this some ploy to please Thor in some way. She’d already come this far.

She greeted him when he took his seat next to her. He didn’t greet her back but only gave her a look of disdain. Then he watched his plate. No meat, but fish was served and even vegetables. In front of him stood not a carafe of wine but water. She managed it then, managed to convince Odin to give him another dish than the other guests. He looked at her plate, she had the same as him, while the rest had pork, again.

She smiled when his eyes met hers. ‘Would you like some water?’

Loki shook his head. She poured herself a cup. She actually wasn’t allowed to touch anything before Odin arrived, but Loki held his tongue out of spite. The guests in front of them were watching her, but didn’t say anything as well.

When Odin was seated, dinner started. Loki grabbed his knife and fork and looked at his food again. It smelled okay, but he wasn’t hungry in the least. Sigyn told him this morning he should take one bite of everything. He had taken one bite of his bread, he had chosen jam, for he thought it was the easiest to swallow. The jam was nice, but the bread still tasted like dust and it was hard for him not to throw up after he swallowed. She told him to eat something for lunch as well, an apple or some other fruit to his liking, but he had not been willing after her betrayal.

But to gain his full power back, he _had_ to eat. Somehow, after his mother died, he lost the will and along the way started to hate the taste of food. Now the only motivation was to maintain his magic and to strengthen it again. Maybe he could try to escape again once he was at his full power. And succeed this time.

He started with a carrot. It had been a long time since he’d had this. When his mother was still alive she managed to give her children vegetables. Thor hated them and Odin did not touch them, but Loki always liked them.

To his surprise it didn’t taste like dust and it had the sweet taste he remembered. He tried another, just out of curiosity and it was the same. It felt unreal. How could it be that this food did not taste like the rest he had eaten for the last couple of months? When he tried a piece of the fish he almost cried. It was tender and juicy and it melted on his tongue. And the taste, it was like he was in Valhalla for a moment. It tasted like fish should taste, soft and salty. He took another bite and dropped his knife and fork. He closed his eyes and sat back in his chair. He did cry now, for he had forgotten how food tasted, _had_ to taste. Not like dust, but so good, so very, very good.

‘Are you all right?’ Sigyn asked.

He did not open his eyes and only nodded.

The next thing he had to try was potato. He was a little worried that eating it would ruin his food experience that went so well. And his worry was correct, after he took just one bite he started to choke and cough. With haste Sigyn poured him some water and he grabbed it from her. With a few gulps he emptied the glass and the horrible taste disappeared, as well as the potato stuck in his throat.

‘No more potato for you, then’, Sigyn mentioned.

She was almost finished with her plate like everyone else. Did he really need so much time to eat two carrots, two bites of the fish and one potato? He glanced at Odin, who was looking at him intently, but averted his gaze when Loki met his eye. He knew how Odin really thought about him now, calling him a spoiled little brat, but he learned long ago not to care what Odin thought of him.

*

When Loki was walking back to his chambers after dinner Sigyn followed him.

‘Loki, can we talk, please?’

‘There’s nothing to talk about’, Loki answered while he hastened his pace.

Sigyn was running in a trot to meet up with him. ‘Yes, there is. You think I betrayed you and now you’re not talking to me.’

‘I don’t think, Sigyn. You _did_ betray me, there’s a difference.’

‘I did it for you!’

Loki stopped and looked at her. He was surprised to meet her eyes in that same moment. ‘For me?’

‘Yes, to make them see you are not doing well.’

‘Do you really think that I want them to pity me? That I want them to interfere with _my_ life?’

‘They are your brother and father.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists. ‘Odin is _not_ my father!’

Sigyn laid her hand on his arm, but Loki pulled his arm away. ‘Don’t touch me!

‘I am sorry you feel that way, but he still sees you as his son.’

Loki shook his head and walked further. ‘You are delusional.’

Sigyn followed him. ‘He _does_ , Loki. Have you never wondered why he didn’t put you back in prison?’

‘I don’t wonder about those things.’

‘Maybe you should.’

Loki whirled around and shoved her against a column. He could see the surprise in her eyes. ‘Don’t tell me what I should and should not do! Have you forgotten who I am?’

‘You still claim to be a prince of Asgard then?’

He slammed his hand on the column right next to her face. ‘I am the god of mischief. I do what I want!’

Sigyn looked somewhat shocked but quickly fixed her face. ‘May I show you something?’

Loki turned around. ‘No, you may not.’

‘Loki, please.’

‘Get out of my sight, or I _will_ hurt you.’

‘You can’t hurt me.’

Loki looked at her and frowned.

‘You are simply not strong enough’, she followed.

Loki froze. He could not reply, for she was right. Her magic was stronger than his, he had felt it when she shared one of Frigga’s memories.

‘Good night, Loki.’

Loki gazed blankly after her when she turned around and walked back towards Fensalir.

*

Frustrated Loki rose from his bed and walked to his balcony. He couldn’t sleep that night and the stars always made him peaceful. They reminded him of his mother. He could see the lights of the city in the distance and the stilled dark field around the palace. It would snow again this night, he knew. He closed his eyes and breathed the cold air into his lungs. He wondered when he could ice-skate on the river. Usually it needed to freeze more than two weeks before the river was completely frozen and safe enough to ice-skate upon. He would love that, he would love that so much.

He opened his eyes again. He had been thinking all night about what Sigyn said, for he did wonder why Odin did not lock him up in the dungeons again. Of course Loki had begged Thor to plead his case to his father. But if Odin really wanted Loki to be locked away, he would have, even if Thor asked him not to. Why then, did he not? Why then, did he want him to be a part of the palace life? Let him join at the table and the festivities? Loki clearly frustrated him. It could be the reason Sigyn mentioned: Odin still considered him his son. Or he kept Loki around him to remind himself that the people closest to you were the ones who would betray you the most, hurt you the most. Odin, at least, reminded him constantly of that.

Loki rested himself against the balcony and looked at the stars. He wished Frigga was here.


	5. Chapter 5

Loki froze when he entered his study room and found Sigyn sitting on his breakfast table again. He wasn’t even dressed yet! He wore his green pyjamas, slippers and a black dressing gown. She was reading and had opened the curtains to the balcony he had closed on purpose last night, so he wouldn’t be blinded by the morning sun.

She wished him a good morning when he was seated. She had some nerve to show up here again and she was steadfast as well, he had to give her that. But he still wondered what she would gain from it. When he looked at the table he saw to his relief the horrible bread was missing. Instead a bowl with what looked and smelled like yogurt was put in front of him. Bowls with dried fruit, nuts and different kind of cereals were placed on the table as well. Even honey.

‘I am not eating this’, Loki said with a disgusted look.

‘Just try it, put some of the other ingredients together and sweeten it with honey. Or jam, if you prefer that.’

With reluctance Loki did as he was told. He didn’t like it. She wasn’t his mother after all. But he had to eat to gain back his strength. She _was_ stronger than him and he hated her for that.

But when he put the ingredients together and took the first bite, he was again surprised how well it tasted. The yogurt was sour but fresh, the nuts and cereals were a nice filling and the dried fruits and honey sweetened it. He closed his eyes to experience more of the taste. It was a pleasure to his tongue and he had no trouble swallowing it down.

When he looked at Sigyn, she smiled. ‘I am glad you like it.’

Loki took a sip from his juice. ‘It’s very unusual to have this for breakfast.’

‘Frigga introduced it at Fensalir. It’s a common meal on Vanaheim.’

*

Loki was right, it had snowed last night. He entered one of the smaller court gardens, the one with the pond in the middle. The water was frozen and therefore the fountain wasn’t working. He decided to make a snowman. He hadn’t done that for quite a while, the last time he was a kid. He could remember Thor and him building one together and after that showing Odin and Frigga. His mother was always very delighted about their creations.

When Loki was halfway he heard someone approach. He recognized Thor’s heavy tread.

‘It’s looking good, brother’, Thor said chipper.

Loki knelt down and gathered a ball of snow. This one was supposed to be the snowman’s head. ‘What do you want?’ Loki snapped, irritated by the fact Thor did not see he was extremely busy right now.

‘I was just wondering how you are doing,’ Thor replied a bit touched.

‘I am doing fine, now go away.’

But Thor did just the opposite and took a seat at the pond. ‘How did you like your dinner last night?’ he asked.

Loki took the large snowball in his arms and placed it on top of the body. The snowman was smaller than him, but just a head or so. He moulded the snow a bit to give the right shape to its face. Now all he needed was something to make the eyes, nose and mouth with. Maybe he could use small branches for the arms.

Thor raised his voice. ‘I am asking you something.’

‘It was fine’, Loki answered indifferent and looked around.

‘Did you eat anything at all?’

Loki walked to a nearby tree which had dropped a small amount of twigs. He picked the two largest and strongest. When he walked back he saw Thor looking at him intently.

‘What concern is it to you?’ Loki asked.

‘What kind of question is that? You are my brother, I love you and I want you well.’

Loki placed the branches in the body of the snowman.

‘Don’t you believe me?’ Thor asked.

‘Why would I? You weren’t exactly thrilled to see me alive last time.’

‘I just discovered you pretending to be our father…’

Loki turned towards him. ‘ _Your_ father!’

Thor rose. ‘Finally, I have your attention.’

Loki clenched his jaw. ‘Don’t you have to entertain your friends or something?’

‘Loki!’ Thor growled but he shook his head. ‘You are not the only one who is missing mother.’

Loki froze for a moment but he grinned. ‘So that’s what this is about.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Poor Thor, is my misery overshadowing yours?’

‘It’s not a competition, Loki’, Thor answered irritated.

Loki raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, but it is. It always was and when it came to mother, I was always winning.’

Thor shook his head. ‘You don’t know what you are saying, she loved me as much as she loved you.’

‘Oh, I bet she did. But we _shared_ things together, we _really_ bonded.’

Thor clenched his hands into fists. ‘You really know how to hurt people with words, don’t you, Loki? I wonder how you learned that skill so well.’

Loki folded his arms before his body. ‘Well, at least I am telling the truth, can’t say that about _your_ father.’

‘No, you lie and deceive, that’s what you do.’

‘And you question why I shouldn’t believe you when you tell me you care.’

Loki saw a hint of disappointment in Thor’s eyes. ‘Goodbye, Loki’, he said defeated and walked away.

Loki turned towards the snowman. ‘Pathetic’, he mumbled and pushed the head of his belly. Then he kicked the second ball of the last and tramped the latter. He wanted to scream. Thor ruined everything, why did he always had to ruin everything? He had such a good day, he was enjoying himself! For the first time in months, really enjoying himself. He took some of the snow he gathered and kneaded them into hard balls of ice. He threw them as hard as he could against the outer wall. The balls blew apart and he could feel the snow splashing in his face, but he did not care, he did not care one bit.

*

Loki could not eat, he just couldn’t. It was the same dish as yesterday, only instead of potato there was sticky rice. How much had he enjoyed it last night! He remembered the taste, remembered how delightful it was in his mouth, but he just could not eat. One bite and he knew he would throw up. But when he noticed the watchful eye of Odin, he took his knife and fork and cut a piece from the fish. He wanted to bring it to his mouth but he stopped halfway. It felt like his stomach turned around and his heartbeat quickened.

‘I can’t’, he mumbled.

‘It’s a different fish than yesterday, but I bet it is to your liking’, Sigyn said. But when she looked at his face, she dropped her knife and fork. ‘Loki, are you alright?’

He felt sweat forming on his forehead.

‘You are not well, come on, I will take you to your chambers.’

She wanted to rise, but he stopped her. ‘No, don’t. We can’t leave until Odin left the table.’

‘That’s absolutely ridiculous. You need to rest, now.’

She stood up and everyone who was talking dropped quiet and looked at her.

‘What do you think you are doing?’ Odin asked.

‘I am taking Loki back to his chambers, he’s not feeling well.’

‘You do no such thing’, Odin raised his voice. ‘Now, _sit_ down.’

Sigyn placed her hands in her side. ‘Your son is ill.’

Odin clenched his hands into fists.

‘Just let them leave, father’, Thor said soothingly.

Odin growled and slammed with his fist on the table. He stood up and looked at Sigyn with a fiery eye. Go!’ And with big steps he walked away.

Sigyn grabbed Loki by his arm and helped him from his chair. Everyone at the table was watching them when they left.

*

Loki paced his study up and down, while Sigyn sat on the sofa. He was glad he was back in his chambers. At least he had room to think there. Odin’s watchful eye had the effect of blocking his thinking. He wondered if Sigyn’s actions this evening would have any consequences for him. Maybe she wasn’t allowed at the dinner table any more, or worse, he would have to eat that horrible food again.

No one ever stood up against the king that way, well maybe one person. Him. Loki didn’t understand why she did it. She had crossed the king and she would definitely lose her chance to win a favourable position, if that was what she desired. She had to know that. Her reputation was ruined and Odin would never let her marry Thor, if that was her plan.

‘Won’t you sit down?’ Sigyn asked.

‘Don’t you know what you have done? You can’t contradict the king, especially not in front of all those guests.’

‘I have done nothing wrong.’

Loki turned towards her. ‘Did Frigga tell you nothing about the life in the palace?’

‘Yes, she did, but I know Odin as well.’

Loki frowned. ‘How? You never met him before.’

Sigyn pointed to her head and smiled. ‘He cares about you too much to let me go.’

Loki shook his head bewildered and took a seat next to her.

‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.

Loki rested his elbows on his knees and placed his hands before his eyes. He didn’t know how to answer her question. This morning he felt good, he was enjoying himself in the snow until Thor messed it up. Or was it him who was messing things up? He knew how to hurt people with words and he used it even when he wasn’t planning to. But Thor was asking those stupid questions, pretending to care, when he did not. He was a liar, like Odin.

The incident with Thor brought him back to the memory when he told Frigga she wasn’t his mother. It was the second time in a few days he had to relive that horrible moment again. The hurt in her eyes was awful and again he wished he could take those words back. Of all the bad things he had done, this was the worst. She loved him, truly loved him and he hurt her anyway.

Loki looked at Sigyn. ‘I really have become the monster parents tell their children about at night.’

Sigyn laid her hand on his cheek. ‘Please, don’t say that.’

Loki leaned into her soft touch a bit. ‘Why not?’

‘May I show you something?’

Loki nodded and laid his hands on her temples. He closed his eyes and was brought to one of Frigga’s memories again.

*

‘I worry about him, Odin’, Frigga said on a whispering tone.

The two of them were standing in the corner of the Great Hall. If they’d been standing on the front stage, their voices would have carried all the way to the back doors. The hall was decorated with the red banners for Thor’s coronation.

‘I think he’s not telling me everything, it’s like he knows something is up’, she followed.

‘It is normal for a man his age not to share everything with his mother anymore, healthy even.’ Odin laid his hand on her cheek shortly. ‘Don’t worry, Frigga.’

‘I think we should tell him, before he finds out himself.’

Odin looked at her intently. ‘No, we can not tell him. It will break him, he would feel betrayed.’

‘But what if he finds out himself? He would be even more broken, would feel even more betrayed.’

‘He won’t find out.’

‘Thor and Loki are heading to Jotunheim more often these days.’

Odin smiled. ‘They are just testing their strength, like I did when I was their age.’

Frigga shook her head. ‘What if they encounter Frost Giants, what would happen then?’

‘They would run, I assure you.’

‘How can you be so sure?’

Odin placed his hands on Frigga’s shoulders and looked at her intently. ‘We can’t tell him Frigga, it’s for his own protection. He’s our son, _our_ son, and he doesn’t need to know otherwise. It would hurt him to know his own father left him to die. He is loved by us, cared for. We are his family, his parents, his mother and father. Please Frigga, I beg of you, do not tell him. Not, if you do not want to lose him.’

Tears formed into Frigga’s eyes. ‘I can’t lose him, I just can’t.’

Odin took her into his arms. ‘Then don’t tell him.’

*

Loki let go of Sigyn and cast his eyes down when the memory faded. He didn’t really understand what he just witnessed. He always wondered if they were willing to tell him and he always thought Frigga would want him to know and Odin to say no. The moment did happen then. It was more real than he would have ever imagined. The place and timing however was surreal.

‘Odin loved you, Loki, still loves you’, Sigyn said.

He looked at Sigyn, ‘by lying to me and asking his wife to lie to her son?’

‘He wanted to protect you.’

Loki stood up and walked towards the balcony. ‘Well that didn’t work out for him, did it?’

‘What would you do in this situation, if your son was you?’

Loki turned around. ‘Tell him the truth, of course.’

‘Would it not confuse him? Hurt him? Would he not be better off not knowing? Wouldn’t you be better off, if you never knew?’

‘Of course I would be better off!’ Loki yelled. ‘But I found out, did I not? And he lied to me, betrayed me.’

‘Odin didn’t think you would find out.’

‘Odin is a fool.’

‘Yes, maybe he is a fool. But I hope you understand his motive, even if you do not agree. It was done out of love.’

Loki stared after Sigyn when she left his chambers. Love? Odin never loved him, he always favoured Thor above him, his golden son. Loki always managed to do the wrong thing, while Thor was the one making him proud. How many times didn’t Loki try to make Odin proud, to do the thing he would most approve of, even to the point of destroying an entire race? But he could never please Odin and he was never loved like Thor. Loki was convinced it was convenience that motivated Odin to hide what he was. It would have been convenient indeed if Loki would have never found out.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki and Sigyn were still welcome at Odin’s table, but were moved to the far end, out of the king’s sight. Loki didn’t mind at all. Their direct table companions on the other hand did and refused to welcome them, let alone talk to them. It was to Loki’s pleasing, he wasn’t interested in those old twats.

‘I need to thank you’, Loki said to Sigyn.

She looked at him, surprised. ‘What for?’ she asked.

‘For moving me to the end of the table, my appetite instantly increased.’

Sigyn smiled. ‘You’re welcome.’

Fish was on the menu again as he’d hoped. He wanted to relive the moment of joy he felt when he first tasted the soft and juicy texture. Again, it was like he entered Valhalla and he closed his eyes. He tasted food, real food again and it was lovely, so very, very lovely. He was somewhat doubtful about the sticky rice and the sauce they poured over the vegetables. It smelled kind of funny.

‘It’s coconut sauce’, Sigyn explained. ‘You should try it together.’

Loki watched how she combined the vegetables and rice and did the same. It tasted just like it smelled, funny, but it was ok, the rice neutralised the flavour of the coconut sauce. He was surprised to find out that combined with the fish it tasted absolutely wonderful.

‘This is not one of the palace recipes, is it?’ Loki asked.

Sigyn shook her head. ‘It’s from the cook of Fensalir.’

‘How does the whole dinner time thing go there? Do you all sit together like this?’

‘No, we sit in a smaller hall and at smaller tables. Although we aren’t required to sit there, I sometimes take my dinner plate back to my room and on warmer and sunnier days, to the patio or my balcony.’

Loki wished he had that opportunity as well, so he wouldn’t be obliged to move his ass to the table every night and sit with these people who talked without saying anything at all. When he was younger he didn’t mind so much, mostly because of his mother. They shared many intimate moments together when she was listening to some irrelevant story and he was making funny gestures with his face. She often couldn’t hold her laugh. Sometimes he was even tempted to mute a person like that. Once, Frigga had to stop him. The person in question didn’t know what was happening when Frigga yelled “no” to Loki. They both laughed when Loki pretended he almost dropped his plate to cover his prank up.

He smiled but tears formed in his eyes at the same time. He missed their moments together, he missed that about her the most. Suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore and took a sip of his water to calm himself somewhat.

‘It seems like a wonderful place to live, may I not join you?’

Sigyn looked at him again.

‘As a woman, of course’, he followed.

Sigyn laughed, but placed a hand before her mouth when she saw he wasn’t joking. ‘You are being serious?’

Loki didn’t answer her. He was very serious. Why couldn’t he live there? He could join the other women. If his magic could hold his Asgardian form, he could certainly hold the female version of himself. He wouldn’t mind to live like that for the rest of his life, the difference between a man and a woman meant little to him anyway. The only difference was the way he looked and which body parts he had or had not. In spirit, he would still be himself.

‘I don’t think the women of Fensalir would approve’, Sigyn followed, ‘they would still see you as Loki, the man.’

‘I don’t mind changing my name.’

‘I am afraid that wouldn’t help.’

Loki took a sip of his water. ‘I am of no threat do them, I will keep to myself mostly.’

‘I am sorry, I am afraid it is not an option.’

Well, maybe it was wishful thinking anyway. Even if it was an option, Odin had to approve first and he would probably not let him go. His “son” living as a woman would probably shame him the most. Loki never understood why Odin belittled womanhood, his own wife was the smartest, kindest and bravest person Loki ever knew. But maybe Odin didn’t see her that way. Maybe he only loved and respected her because she was the mother of his _children. If he did, he was a fool, but that was something he considered Odin to be already._

_*_

_In the next couple of days Loki was able to eat more and more. Slowly he was getting used to eat normal portions. Sigyn managed to serve him light and various meals with food he could digest easy, with not too many calories and not too much fat. He was really enjoying it as well, especially because nothing tasted like dust any more._

_Not to be in Odin’s sight, not to be constantly watched, helped immensely. He felt free, free to think, to speak. He even managed to make conversation to Sigyn every night and on some occasions made her laugh. Her genuine laughter, which pulled him to her in the first place, made him happy in some sort of weird way. The guests at the table surrounding them were mostly visibly displeased with their company, but Loki didn’t care._

_*_

_One evening after dinner Loki walked Sigyn back to Fensalir. He didn’t know how he got the habit of doing that, but he liked their quiet after dinner talks. He remembered he and Frigga did the same, in the summer they even walked through the garden. She loved to show him her flowers and she was always delighted to see every butterfly or other living creature relishing the honey. But it was long ago, before he knew, before all had happened. He sometimes wanted to go back to the period of ignorant bliss. He was most happy then._

_‘You are doing very well’, Sigyn said. ‘Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?’_

_Loki had seen himself, he watched every day. He gained body weight, but not as much as he wished. His cheeks were still sunken and his ribs were still visible, although less than before. But his eyes had changed, they were brighter. He nodded._

_‘I am proud of you’, Sigyn said when they reached the halls of Fensalir._

_‘That’s something my mother would say.’_

_Sigyn laid her hand on his cheek. ‘Well, I am saying it now.’_

_Loki smiled a bit._

_‘Goodnight, Loki.’_

_‘Goodnight’, he said and watched her disappear to the Halls of Fensalir._

*

A strange sensation flowing through his body made Loki wake up. His heart was beating fast and he almost couldn’t breathe. When he rose he had to hold on to the bed for his legs didn’t seem strong enough. His head was spinning and his mouth dry. Slowly he made his way towards his bathroom and drank some water. The coolness soothed him some. He dropped himself against the wall, the stones were cold as well and that was what he desired most right now. It felt like his body was on fire, like he was coming down with the flu. He closed his eyes, for the spinning in his head was too much to bear. An undefined pain stung through his muscles. He placed his arms around his body and grabbed his shirt tight between his hands. He clenched his jaws and moaned softly.

Then, suddenly, the pain was gone, the spinning was gone and his temperature, just as his heartbeat, was dropping back to normal. He only dared to move when he could breathe normally again. He went over to the mirror and saw a strange shimmer in his eyes, a shimmer he remembered from long ago. He blinked and blinked again, it was still there. Then he rubbed his fingertips together and he felt a spark of magic arise. He almost couldn’t believe it and held his hand before his eyes. There it was, green sparks popping up between his fingers.

He smiled. His magic was back at full strength again. After months and months living on his reserves he had wondered how much there was left before his magic would disappear forever. But now he didn’t need to worry about that anymore, it was back, _he_ was back. This was what it felt like, felt like to be alive.

*

Loki was already dressed and present in his study room when Sigyn arrived. He saw she was surprised to see him up and lively.

‘I am going to take you ice-skating today’, Loki said.

Sigyn smiled. ‘Whatever for?’

Loki raised his hand in the air and a green ball of light was forming in his palm.

‘Your magic is back at full strength!’ Sigyn exclaimed enthusiastically. She walked towards him and observed the ball in his hands as if it was something she never saw before in her entire life.

‘So soon.’

‘Soon?’

She looked at him. ‘It took me more than one month.’

Loki died the ball down and took a seat at his chair. ‘So, what do you think about ice-skating?’

Sigyn sat down as well. ‘I never done it before, but I would love to try.’

Loki smiled and started his breakfast.

*

‘Please, Loki, don’t let go’, Sigyn begged him while she was holding on to his hands tightly.

She looked like a hunted deer, scared and insecure. She was shaking on her legs and the ice brought her constantly off balance.

‘Come on, Sigyn, it’s not _that_ hard. Just one feet after the other, like this.’ He let go of her hands and skated away.

‘He, Loki, come back here!’ Sigyn yelled.

Loki stopped and turned around. He grinned, ‘come and get me then!’

Loki watched her take one small step at the time, she was holding her arms in mid-air and was most of all trying hard not to fall. But in the latter she didn’t succeed and she fell on her bum. Loki laughed and turned around.

‘He you, come back, you pig!’

But he didn’t listen to her and disappeared quickly between the other skaters. It was busy on this part of the river, most of them were children, skating together or with their parents. Loki didn’t mind, he could skate around the people and make his way to the quieter parts. It was wonderful to feel the cold air breeze against his face, through his hair. The ice was just perfect and the weather as well. The sky was clear blue and the sun reflected on the surface of the ice. It was peaceful, the sound his skates made on the ice, his breathing and the wind blowing softly against his ears.

He placed his arms behind his back. He felt free, totally free. It was like he had enough energy to skate to the end of the galaxy and back. His magic, yes, he could feel it everywhere. But most of all he loved to feel it coursing through his veins, to his fingertips and to the crown of his head. When he looked back he couldn’t see the large group of people anymore, just one or two lone skaters like himself. He decided to turn around and meet Sigyn again.

But when he arrived where they had started, by the stand with food and drinks, he saw her skating with someone else. A man was helping her. He was holding her with one arm around her waist and one hand held in his. They were talking and she was laughing. A sting of anger went through his stomach and Loki clenched his hands into fists. He skated towards them and stopped right in front of them. He could see he surprised them.

‘I see you’re doing fine without me then’, he said, while he looked at the man. He was middle aged, but still handsome. Though he looked plain, with his short brown hair and brown eyes.

‘Eric was kind enough to help me, after _you_ left’, Sigyn snapped back.

Eric let her go. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interfere.’

Sigyn looked at him. ‘You didn’t’

He looked at Loki, who folded his arms before his body and gazed at him intently. He smiled uncomfortably and said farewell to Sigyn, before he quickly disappeared.

Angrily Sigyn shoved him. ‘You should have said if you wanted to skate alone, I would never have come with you in the first place.’

She skated towards the waterfront, Loki followed her. She was doing better than before, Eric had done a good job, he had to admit. Loki took her hand and pulled her towards him.

‘What are you doing?’ Sigyn asked.

‘I want to show you something.’

‘I am cold, I want to go.’

Loki laid his hand on her cheek. ‘Please?’

She rolled her eyes but nodded. He took her hand in his and together they skated away from the people. He led her to a fork of the river which lay hidden between cooper's reed, known for their big leaves and the brown cigars at the end of the stem. Sometimes they had to squeeze themselves between the high plants and they laughed when the leaves tickled their faces.

‘Where are you taking me?’ Sigyn asked.

‘You will see.’

When they finally went through the last row of reed, Loki stopped her. ‘Be careful.’

He pushed the reed aside and he revealed the sky of the galaxy and the abyss. The river stopped here, its water flowing over the edge. Sigyn stumbled backwards, he held her just in time before she fell.

‘Why did you bring me here?’ she asked shocked, her eyes wide.

‘Don’t you think it’s beautiful?’

‘No, it’s scarring me and it should scare you too.’

Loki looked at her. He could see she really meant it, but it didn’t scare him, not anymore. He desired to go back there, to wander the galaxy, to be free of anything that bound him. Get away from Asgard, with his magic re-found, perhaps he finally could.

He took her hand again. ‘Let’s go then.’

Sigyn followed him. ‘Doesn’t it scare you?’

‘Nothing scares me anymore, Sigyn.’

‘I don’t believe you. Thanos must be looking for you.’

Loki froze when hearing his name. He wondered how she knew about him, but his mother must have told her about his deal with The Other and Thanos. ‘I am not afraid of dying’, he answered.

‘That’s not the same as being found by the most powerful tyrant in the universe and being, let’s say, tortured by him.’

Loki turned towards her. ‘I know torture, I can handle it.’

Sigyn shook her head and tears formed into her eyes. ‘Please, don’t try to run’, her voice was soft.

Loki frowned. How did she know he desired to run away? Did Frigga know he had that in mind? She knew he hated his cell, but did he ever tell her he wanted to escape?

Sigyn pressed herself against his chest. ‘Please’, she whispered.

Loki closed his arms around her and pressed his nose into her hair. It smelled like flowers, sweet summer flowers. It was lovely, so very lovely. When she looked up at him he kissed her softly on her lips.


	7. Chapter 7

Loki didn’t know how fast he had to let Sigyn go and he couldn’t look into her eyes when he did. All the way back to the palace he didn’t say a word to her and she kept silent as well. They parted their ways when they reached the entry hall and Loki quickly made his way to his chambers.

He desired to take a bath, it always helped him to rest his mind, but the only thing he could think about was their kiss. He merely tried to soothe her, she seemed to be distressed, distressed about him. Why, he did not really know. Maybe she cared about him, but it was not like they were friends or anything. Thor had friends, he had not. He had never shown any desire to be friends, they merely had an understanding. She was pleasant to be around, he didn’t deny that, but it wasn’t more than an understanding.

*

Still somewhat uncomfortable he took his seat next to her at dinner. She greeted him with a smile and he her with a small nod, but they kept silent when dinner started and Loki couldn’t keep his eyes off his plate. He didn’t know what to say to her, he didn’t want things to be different between them.

Just as he was finding the right words to explain this to her, she poked him and pointed with her head to the lady sitting in front of them. She was bending over the table because someone upfront was telling a story, meanwhile her necklace was dipping into her glass of wine. Like Sigyn, he smiled and was tempted to make a jest out of the situation. With one move with his hand the glass fell and the wine dripped into the woman’s lap. The woman screamed and moved her chair backwards. Sigyn couldn’t hold her laugh and had to cover her mouth with her hand. Her husband helped her clean up and she was lucky that Odin left the table early this evening. Loki grinned when the woman glared at him with piercing eyes when she walked away.

Loki rose and reached out his hand to Sigyn. ‘Shall we?’

Sigyn nodded and together they walked back to Fensalir.

She shook her head, ‘that poor woman.’

‘You wanted to do the same, admit it.’

‘Maybe, but I didn’t.’

Loki looked at her. ‘You laughed.’

‘I know and I shouldn’t’, she said in all earnest.

Loki turned around. ‘Well, you’re no fun’, and walked away.

‘What are you doing?’

Loki turned towards her again and grinned. ‘Goodnight, Sigyn.’

She shook her head again, but smiled. ‘Goodnight.’

*

Escaping became one of Loki’s next goals. Now his magic was back at full strength he saw opportunities again. Although he was gaining weight, he was physically still weak. So the first thing he had to do was build up muscular strength and endurance. The only place to do this was the training grounds, Thor’s area. Loki wasn’t keen on going, but he had to, to succeed in his plan.

Thor and his friends all stared at him like they saw a ghost when he entered the training grounds. Well, maybe they were, a ghost from way back when he was still fighting together with them. He wore the same black leather, gold and green suit he was wearing when he attacked New York. At first he wanted to match it with his green cape, but thought it was somewhat uncomfortable.

Thor approached him first, ‘How good to see you here, Loki.’

Loki looked to his smiling face. ‘Spare me your enthusiasm Thor and fight me.’

Thor cleared his throat. ‘Fight you?’

‘Yes, or have you forgotten how?’

‘I won’t fight you, brother.’

‘And why not?’ Loki snapped and he opened his hand where a ball of green electricity was ready to burst a hole into something.

‘It won’t be a fair fight.’

‘Since when do you care about that?’ Loki looked around. ‘Which of you is willing to fight me?’

The Warriors Three and Sif looked at Thor, who shook his head.

‘Or are you all cowards like my big brother here?’ Loki followed.

Sif stepped forward and drew her sword. ‘I will fight you, since you’re begging for it.’

‘Sif’, Thor growled, but she didn’t listen to him.

Loki grinned. ‘Of course you will.’

Without warning Loki threw the lightning towards his opponent. Sif ducked away and whirled her sword as she came towards him. It didn’t impress him and he gathered his daggers. He threw one, but missed. When he threw the other, he missed again. He didn’t understand, he’d always had a fair aim. He never missed! Meanwhile Sif was still approaching and the last thing he wanted was her nearby. He knew she was better with her sword than any of the Warriors Three.

When he threw one of his lightning balls again, it hit her shoulder. It weakened her, but she still came towards him. When she was near, she struck and he ducked away just in time. He reached for two daggers again and pushed her sword away when she made another move. He knew if he wanted to hurt her he had to do it now, her sword was in reach of his body and she was very quick. But when he wanted to throw his dagger she got hold of his arm and bent it so he had to drop it. She placed her sword at his throat. But she forgot that he had another dagger and he stabbed it up towards her stomach. She screamed and kicked him away. He flew through the air and landed on his back in the trampled snow.

For a moment Loki was out, but woke with a loud ringing in his ears. When he looked up he saw Sif standing in front of him with her sword pointed at his throat. He moved his eyes towards the others surrounding her.

‘I told you, brother’, Thor said and reached out his hand to him.

But Loki slammed his hand away and stood up by himself. He tasted blood on his mouth and wiped it away with the back of his hand. ‘Fight me again.’

‘Loki, please’, Thor begged him.

Loki looked around to the others. ‘Fight. Me. Again.’

Volstagg was the one stepping forward. ‘I will teach him a lesson, Thor.’

Thor stopped him. ‘No’, and dropped his hammer, ‘I will.’

Loki smiled and walked towards the centre of the arena. There he doubled himself in tenfold, to see if Thor still fell for his old trick. Apparently he did not, because Thor walked straight towards the real him. He wanted to grab Loki by his throat, but Loki had gathered magical strength and pushed him away.

‘What do you gain from this, brother?’ Thor asked while he walked towards Loki again. ‘If you wanted to train with us, you could just say so.’

But Loki didn’t want to train with them, he wanted to test his strength. He was disappointed he had lost against Sif, but Thor was the one he really had to defeat. He was the strongest of them all.

Loki threw a dagger and managed to hit Thor’s cheek. He grinned as a streak of blood dripped down his muscular neck.

‘You can’t harm me, Loki, if that’s what you want.’

‘Watch me’, Loki said and gathered his magic to form a ball of lightning again. He threw it at his brother with all the force he had, but Thor didn’t seem to be affected by it.

‘Your magic may be strong, but you lack physical strength. You need your physical strength to let the magic really harm your target, brother, don’t you think I don’t know that after all these years?’

Loki gathered magic again. Thor might be right, but he didn’t give all his strength the last time. He needed to cause chaos, he was good at that. So he threw the ball in front of Thor’s feet and the ground burst. He ran towards Thor and aimed at his neck with a dagger. But Thor summoned his hammer to his hand and the dust disappeared. He saw Loki approaching and slammed with his hammer on the ground. Rapidly the ground split into two and Loki stumbled. He fell flat on his face in the dirt.

He wanted to rise again, but his body felt broken and the only thing he could do was stay there on the ground. He groaned when Thor helped him up. His brother placed his arm around his waist and helped him to the side. When Loki reached the fence he leaned his body heavily against the wooden boards.

‘You still want to fight?’ Thor asked.

Loki looked at his brother. ‘You haven’t given me any of your mean blows with your hammer yet.’

‘That’s because it would kill you.’

Loki wanted to laugh, but he felt a sting of pain in his chest and he placed one arm around his ribs.

‘You need to see the healers.’

‘I am fine.’ Loki straightened his back. ‘I will see you tomorrow.’

Loki groaned all the way back to the place. He felt like an old man. No, worse, like a beaten old man. Thor was right, but the only way to strengthen physically was to train, to fight. It didn’t matter how many times they beat him, one day he would win, even against his brother, the mighty Thor.

*

Sigyn looked absolutely shocked when she saw Loki at dinner. ‘What have you done?’

Loki had looked at himself in the mirror and knew about his broken lip and cut eyebrow. It was nothing, it was part of the training. He also knew he walked funny, his back was a bit stiff, but it was alright, everything was alright.

‘I am fine’, he said.

‘No, you’re not. Is this part of your plan?’

Loki looked at her sharply. ‘What plan? There’s no plan.’

‘Of course there’s a plan, you _always_ have a plan.´

‘Don’t pretend to know me, Sigyn’, Loki snapped.

‘Oh, but I do know you, Loki.’ She pointed at her head. ‘More than I would like to.’

Loki moved closer to her. ‘Why are you doing this?’ he asked softly, so the other table guests wouldn’t overhear them. ‘Why do you interfere with my life, like you care.’

‘I do care, why would I help you otherwise?’

‘For your own gain.’

Sigyn raised her eyebrows. ‘What have I to gain out of this?’

Loki moved his mouth to her ear. ‘Maybe you desire to be queen of Asgard yourself one day.’

She shook her head and looked to her dinner plate. ‘You couldn’t be more wrong.’

Well, maybe he was wrong about this. She wasn’t exactly Thor’s type and he didn’t seem like he would be hers, but that was less important. Thor was kind and good looking, for most women that was enough. He grinned and sat back in his chair. They didn’t speak to each other again and Sigyn left even before he could offer to walk her back to Fensalir.

*

Loki gathered physical strength quicker than he expected. He could handle the blows from his opponents more often and even strike back with real force sometimes. His body seemed to heal faster, or maybe he was getting used to be beaten up all the time. Sigyn and he weren’t really on speaking terms. She decided not to show up during breakfast anymore and during dinner she hardly spoke to him at all.

Loki didn’t like that she knew about him having a plan while he knew nothing about her motives. If she wasn’t doing it to gain something from it, she had to be forced, but he didn’t know by whom. Odin was the only one Loki could think of, but he hated her, or was he just pretending? Were they pretending to dislike each other, so Loki would trust her? Maybe the fight he witnessed was a set-up. No, it couldn’t be. He had already discounted Sigyn as one of Odin’s allies, but maybe he had done it too quickly.

*

For his plan to work Loki had to figure out how to escape. He had tried the portals, he could try those again. He had more strength than before and could defeat the men who were guarding the gateways. But maybe there were other ways to escape, secret portals no one knew about. He knew off one, but he needed to research it some more, to be prepared.

The library was silent like always and Loki was concentrated on the text. It explained the way portals worked, even the ones who weren’t located on a planet.

‘Loki?’

Of course, just when he was at the point that was most important, he got disturbed and by whom else but his big brother.

Loki didn’t look up. ‘Not now, Thor.’

Seeing Thor during training every day was more than enough, at least there they didn’t talk much, but now he was clearly in a talking mood again.

‘I would like to talk.’

‘I understand that this is hard for you, but this is a library, if you want to talk you do that somewhere else.’

‘I would love to, your chambers or mine?’

Loki looked up. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

When Thor sat down in front of Loki, Loki slammed his book shut. He stood up and placed the book back on the shelves. It wasn’t Thor’s business to know what he was reading.

‘Sigyn came to me.’

Loki stiffened when he heard her name. If she told Thor something, even a little thing, he swore he would kill her.

‘She is worried about you’, Thor continued. ‘Is there any reason why she should be?’

‘Not to my knowing.’

‘Loki’, Thor growled.

Loki turned around.

‘It seems she knows you better than any of us.’

‘Don’t sell yourself short brother. You of all people, know me best.’

Thor rose from his seat. ‘Don’t jest!’

‘I am not.’

‘Sigyn is blessed with our mother’s memories, she knows any of us better than we do.’

‘How do you know?’

‘She showed me some of these memories.’

Loki froze. ‘She did what? How many?’

Thor frowned.

Loki clenched his hands into fists. ‘How many, Thor?!’

‘Two, she showed me two. Why are you being so upset about this?’

Two? She showed Thor two? He felt a ball of anger forming in his stomach. He was right, he was right all along, she did it for herself. First helping him, to gain good favour and now Thor. To what? To bed him? Wed him?

‘What did she show you? What, Thor? Tell me!’

‘No, I won’t tell you, it’s private.’

Nothing was private, nothing that concerned Sigyn was private! Loki walked towards his brother, with a sudden utmost calm face. ‘She is _using_ you Thor.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘I know her better than you. She desires to be queen of Asgard someday, _your_ queen.’

Thor laughed. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. You’re just jealous because she’s sharing mother’s memories with me as well.’

‘Don’t confuse your blindness with my supposed jealousy, you are smarter than that, brother.’

‘You’re mad.’

Loki laid his hand on Thor’s shoulder. ‘I would rather be mad, than a fool.’ And he walked away.


	8. Chapter 8

Dinner passed by in absolute silence between Loki and Sigyn. Loki didn’t eat much, he was preparing himself for the confrontation with Sigyn. He knew what he would say and how he would say it. He had figured her out and she would confess, she _had_ to. If she was such a dear friend to Frigga, Frigga would have mentioned her to Odin, she would have, so Odin must know her. Of course he knew her. He had to admit her story was very convincing, about her brother committing suicide and her not eating for months. How could he buy it all this time? It was too much of a coincidence, it couldn’t be true. And of course it wasn’t true, of course it wasn’t. She was a spy, Odin’s spy. All of it was a lie, a terrible ugly lie, from her laughter, to the light in her eyes. She was very good, so very good, he even believed her, but maybe it was her beauty that had deceived him in the end. Odin picked her out well.

Loki followed her after dinner. He was cloaked of course, he had to catch her off-guard and in the quieter parts of the palace. When she turned around a corner he grabbed her wrist and revealed himself to her.

‘Loki? What are you doing?’ she looked shocked, but that could have been acted as well.

He pushed her against the wall. ‘Tell me who you are. Who you _really_ are.’

Sigyn frowned. ‘What do you mean? What are you playing at?’

‘Me? What am I playing at? I could better ask that question to you. You have been playing a game from the start. Tell me it wasn’t a coincidence we met at Thor’s party, that we danced, talked.’

‘Maybe it wasn’t, but what’s your point?’

Loki held her wrist tighter. ‘My point is, Sigyn, that all of it was a setup and that _you_ are a liar.’

‘What happened to you, why are you speaking such nonsense?’

She tried to lay her free hand on his cheek but he pushed her away.

‘Don’t touch me! You’re just like the others, a liar and an actress! I should have never fallen for your tricks, never!’

Sigyn shook her head. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘You don’t understand?’ He laughed mockingly. ‘You are still denying it then?’

‘Deny what?’ she asked softly.

‘Do I have to say it out loud? You work for Odin, I know it, Sigyn. You work for him to spy on me.’

He felt anger boiling up in his stomach and he grabbed her throat. She looked scared, but he ignored it, all of it was an act anyway.

‘Loki, let go of me, you are hurting me.’

‘How far would you have gone? To my bed? Or to Thor’s bed? That was always your goal, wasn’t it? Being so close to a queen, made you desire the position for yourself.’

Sigyn tried to free herself, but he grabbed her tighter. She was choking and he saw tears streaming down her cheeks. He hated those tears, they were fake, just like her. He wanted to kill her, he should kill her!

‘Look who’s stronger now’, he grinned and let her go.

She stared at him wide eyed, catching her breath. Her eyes were red, red from her ugly tears. ‘You are a monster! I will never speak to you again!’ she yelled and ran away.

‘Good’, he mumbled and walked away.

*

The next day at the training grounds he felt invincible and he was. He was defeating them all, he outsmarted them with his magic, or he hit them with his daggers. Thor was his last opponent.

‘You seem to be in a good mood today, brother, how come?’

Loki grinned. ‘Let’s say I have defeated my biggest enemy.’

‘I thought I was your biggest enemy’, Thor replied with a smile.

‘Of course you are, in this arena, at least.’

Loki disappeared and appeared behind Thor again. Thor turned around and wielded his hammer to force Loki back.

‘Show me your thunder, Thor!’ Loki yelled as he formed a ball of green electricity. ‘Let’s see which of us is stronger.’

Thor pointed his hammer at the sky and dark clouds gathered. It wasn’t long until a lightning crossed the sky and into Thor’s hammer. Two forces battled each other, Thor’s lightning and Loki’s magic. Loki was concentrating very hard and put all his weight into his power. He heard Thor growling, but he was overpowering Loki. Loki didn’t want to lose this fight. He was ready, his magic was at full strength and his body as well, almost at least. He had to win this and he was searching for his last resources. With a scream he landed his final blow.

The power that was attacking him faded abruptly and he fell to his knees. He had never felt so exhausted, so drained from power as he did now. His head was spinning and it was hard to catch his breath. But when he looked up he saw Hogun and Sif helping Thor to his feet. He had done it, he had defeated his big brother!

Volstagg hit him on his shoulder and reached out his hand to him. ‘Well done, Loki.’

Loki took his hand and rose. But he couldn’t stand on his feet for longer than a few seconds and Volstagg had to catch him.

‘Easy, big boy.’

When Thor and the others arrived, Loki saw Thor was looking rather well, not as drained as he. He wondered if he really defeated his brother, or not.

Thor reached for Loki’s hand and shook it. ‘Next time you will not be so lucky.’

Loki couldn’t really respond. He was still searching for breath and he had trouble holding onto Volstagg as well. He blinked, but the world did not stop spinning and black spots appeared in front of his eyes.

‘I think he needs to lie down’, Volstagg said.

‘Bring him to his chambers’, Thor commanded.

Volstagg nodded and he took Loki with him. Loki hardly remembered anything from the walk from the training grounds to his chambers. He couldn’t keep his eyes open and was only hoping his bed was near. When he finally reached his chambers he collapsed on the bed. Volstagg was saying something but Loki didn’t hear him, because he fell asleep immediately.

*

Loki didn’t know how long he had slept, but when he woke it was dark outside. His stomach was growling and it felt like he had not eaten in days. When he rose, he was dizzy and his body was stiff. Like an old man he walked to the door. Sleep did him well, a part of his energy was back, but he was still recovering and he needed food.

He made no effort to cloak himself and took the guards who eyed him closely for granted. He tried to walk as normally as he could, but his legs were still weak. When he arrived at the Grand Hall nobody was there. In the distance he saw the high throne and for a moment he wanted to walk straight to it and take its seat. He knew how it felt to be up there, to oversee everyone in the Hall, to look down on everyone. But he never desired the throne, not really.

He turned and walked towards the kitchens. He hoped to find food there, even if it was just a piece of bread. When he was a kid he was always scared to walk through the palace at night. The fire of the torches made shadows on the walls and he was afraid of those shadows. He was afraid that they would turn into real monsters and follow him. Thor laughed about his fears and bullied him once. Dressed in a black sheet he followed Loki through the halls. Loki was screaming and crying. They woke up the whole palace. Thor got punished by Odin and Loki was allowed to sleep with his mother that night. When she held him close and kissed him on the head he forgot how scared he was and fell asleep in no time. It was a sweet memory. He wasn’t scared of any monster no more. As it turned out he was the biggest one of them all.

When he arrived at the kitchens he could still trace a hint of smell from the food that was prepared this night. He opened all the cabinets but all he could find was kitchenware, not something he could fill his stomach with.

‘What are you doing?’ a stern woman’s voice asked him.

Loki stiffened and turned. She was a small, fat woman, just what he expected a cook to look like. They gazed at each other for a moment without saying a word. He couldn’t run or hide anymore, but he didn’t know how to address her either, to explain his being here. Then he saw the shame on her face when she finally recognized him. She lowered her eyes and bowed her head.

‘I am sorry prince Loki, I was not expecting to find you here.’

 _I bet you didn’t_ , Loki thought, but didn’t answer her. He straightened his posture and tried to look as if he belonged here and didn’t need any excuse to enter the kitchen without an invitation. He was a prince of Asgard, he could go wherever he wanted. He didn’t need her permission, no indeed, he did not. Still, why didn’t it feel that way?

She looked at him again. ‘They told me you weren’t present at dinner. Are you hungry? I can make you something if you like.’

Loki didn’t want to stay here any longer, he felt embarrassed and apparently the servants were talking about him as well. He shook his head but at the same time his stomach was growling so loudly she could hear it as well.

‘Come, sit down, I will make you a sandwich, it’s no trouble.’

Loki was pushed to the chair at the large kitchen table. He reckoned the kitchen staff ate their supper here. The chair was a bit wobbly and he held himself steady at the table. The woman disappeared to another area and he looked around. The ceiling was low, he now noticed, lower than upstairs in the palace. Through the little windows shone the light of the moon, but it was the fireplace that lightened and warmed the room. The kitchen, smaller than he thought it would be, was neat and very clean.

When the woman came back she placed a plate in front of him with a sandwich with smoked chicken, salad and vegetables. He could feel his mouth watering before he took the first bite.

‘I will leave you to it then’, the cook said.

‘Could you make me one more?’ Loki asked and looked at her. ‘Please?’

The woman smiled and shook her head. ‘You princes with your appetite. When Thor was younger he came here as well, begging for sandwiches, while he just had his dinner. I never told his parents’, she giggled and disappeared to the other room again.

Loki listened only half to her story for his hunger was so big he could only concentrate on the food. He didn’t even pay attention to the taste, he would eat it even if it did taste like dust. But it didn’t, it tasted like he remembered, like a sandwich with smoked chicken should taste.

When the cook came back he was already done with the first sandwich and couldn’t wait to start with the second. He didn’t notice she handed him a glass of water as well and left. When he was done he felt really satisfied and ready to rest again. So after he drank his water he went to his chambers. He was drunk with sleep, his head was blurry and his body limp. But he knew he would be at full strength and energy again the next morning. Ready to train and fight.

*

But the next day he didn’t feel like training. He wanted to go out riding with his horse, he hadn’t done that in a long time. When he arrived at the stables he saw Sigyn there as well. He hid behind a pillar, hoping she didn’t see him. He watched her combing her brown reddish horse and he heard her talking to it. Her voice was sweet like he remembered, but it was false. He knew her by now, she was an actress. Loki clenched his hands into fists, he should have never shown the abyss the day they went ice-skating. It fuelled her suspicions and when he started training he had confirmed those.

But he wondered. He should have been summoned by Odin already to explain his escape plans. She would have told him by now, wouldn’t she? She could even mention how he treated her the evening he confronted her. She could show Odin her fake tears and her fake fear of Loki. He could be locked away, Odin wouldn’t have any excuses not to anymore. That was what Odin _really_ wanted. He never wanted Loki to be around him, walking freely in Asgard and have access to his magic. Maybe Loki should have handled it differently. He shouldn’t have grabbed her by her throat, but the urge to show her he was stronger than her overshadowed his reasonability. She was a liar and he hated liars.

When she saddled her horse and rode off, Loki stepped out from behind the pillar. First he walked towards Sleipnir. The eight legged horse smelled him coming and neighed softly. When Loki approached him he moved his snout towards Loki’s chest and rubbed his head against him. Loki smiled and petted him. Sleipnir recognized his mother, even if he wasn’t in the shape of a mare.

One day a giant disguised as a man came to Asgard to propose to Odin to build a stone wall around the palace within six months. As reward he wanted to marry Freya, the most beautiful goddess in Asgard. He also mentioned he wanted to use his stallion Svadilfari. Loki, who, like the other gods, never thought the man would succeed, said he would love to see him try. He thought it was a big prank. However, the wall builder worked exceptionally quick and all the gods, Freya most of all, were panicking. But Loki had a plan. He turned himself into a mare and seduced Svadilfari. On the last day the horse didn’t answer to his master and the man couldn’t finish the wall on time. But it worked maybe a bit too well. Loki got pregnant and gave birth to Sleipnir. He gave his son to Odin. The giant was slain and Svadilfari stayed with Loki.

Loki rubbed his cheek against the soft fur of Sleipnir’s snout and kissed him gently on his blaze. Then he turned towards Svadilfari, who had recognized him as well and was looking at him with great attention, his ears upright. The stallion greeted him with joy but also hesitance. Loki wanted to pet him, but he hardly let him. When Loki turned around to get the comb, he bumped his snout to Loki’s back. Loki knew Svadilfari was challenging him, but he mostly ignored his moods.

He let Loki comb him and so Loki did, until his black fur shined bright. When he was saddling him, the stallion resisted again. Once Loki tried riding him without the saddle, but lost control over the strong horse and fell off his back. If it hadn’t been for his magic he would not have come home with the stallion in his possession. He had to turn into a mare again and lure him back to the palace. Of course he turned into himself again before the stallion got any wild ideas.

When Loki saddled and mounted Svadilfari he rode towards the fields. First Loki thought of following Sigyn. He didn’t see her anywhere, but he knew he could trace her and let Svadilfari catch up with her. He was the second quickest horse in Asgard after all. Of course Sleipnir had the advantage of his eight legs. But Loki decided not to and rode to the woods. He loved the woods, especially when it had snowed, it was so quiet then. The only sound he could hear was the wind blowing through the treetops and he loved that, it felt like the trees were talking to each other and he was part of their meeting.

Not many dared to enter the woods. The woods were called the Jotunheim of Asgard, because stories were told about the monsters that lived there. But Loki wasn’t scared and wanted to be alone. He let Svadilfari walk a path no one rode before and his stallion was the first who made his marks in the snow. Loki closed his eyes and listened. The trees were talking again. The sound calmed him and for a moment he felt truly happy. It felt like he belonged to be here at this moment, here with his horse, here in the woods.

When they arrived at a small brook, he dismounted and let Svadilfari drink from the clear water. He himself drank out of his hands and leaned against a tree to rest. When a small ray of sun caught his face he closed his eyes. The warmth tickled his skin. This could be the last time he could be here. He reckoned Sigyn would inform Odin today and before dinner he would be summoned, questioned and put back in his cell again. This time without the comfort of furniture he guessed.

He could try to run now, but Loki knew he still wasn’t strong enough. That fight with Thor cost him a lot of energy, he almost needed a whole day of sleep to recover. He also needed to prepare his escape, not only physically, but also mentally. Mostly mentally, for the portal he wanted to use was tricky to say the least. The abyss might not scare him, but the fall did.

Then he felt the soft fur of Svadilfari against his hand and he looked at his horse that brought his snout towards Loki. He petted him and the stallion let him.

Loki smiled. ‘You still love me then?’


	9. Chapter 9

By the time dinner started Loki still hadn’t been summoned by Odin. He could take his seat at the end of the table, like usual. No guards came to take him away. Maybe Odin didn’t want to lose face, like the last couple of times and was waiting until dinner was over.

The seat next to Loki was empty. Sigyn wouldn’t come, would never sit next to him again, he realised suddenly. He had wanted to believe her too much. Believe that she wanted to be his friend. Help him out of the goodness of her heart. But there was no soul in this universe that would help him just because. Only his mother, only Frigga, who loved him unconditionally.

Suddenly he couldn’t eat anymore, he wasn’t hungry and the smell of the food in front of him made him sick. He wanted to leave the table. The voices of the people around him sounded like nail scratches on a blackboard. He closed his eyes and clenched his hands into fists. He thought about the serenity of the woods and how happy he had been there today, but he couldn’t concentrate, he couldn’t shut himself from everything around him.

When dinner was finally over he didn’t know how fast he had to leave the table and go to his chambers. He waited the whole evening, waited for a knock on his door, waited for a guard to come in and drag him before Odin. He paced his room up and down impatiently. But in the end he was so tired of waiting that he himself strolled down the halls towards Odin’s study.

Two guards were standing in front of the door. He watched the two men carefully when he spoke.

‘Is he in?’

One of the guards shook his head. ‘No, you just missed him, my prince.’

Loki nodded and turned around. He sighed deeply when he walked away, realising he had held his breath after he popped the question. Was he really so stupid to turn himself in? Why couldn’t he just wait for Odin? He would be summoned, if not today, then tomorrow. Loki should have followed Sigyn after all. Maybe he could have figured out why she didn’t tell Odin today. What if she was gathering more information about him? What if she knew people who hated and distrusted him and knew things Odin still didn’t know? But there was no one he could think of. He did not share information about himself so easily, his mother was the only one he shared his deepest, darkest thoughts with, mostly.

If Frigga shared all her memories with Sigyn, Sigyn was the one who knew most about him. Suddenly it frightened him, he hadn’t realised it until now. She could blackmail him, blackmail Odin. Demanding wealth, a position even! She could have it all. She was the most powerful woman in Asgard and she knew it!

Sleep didn’t come easy, didn’t come at all and the next day the waiting started again. He went to the library to find a solution to this problem. Maybe he could give Sigyn memory loss, but he couldn’t come near her, so how could he cast the necessary spell? It was impossible, for he had to touch her head. He wanted to confront her, ask her why she hadn’t told Odin yet. What was she up to? He should have killed her when he had the chance!

The day passed by with wondering and scheming plans that wouldn’t come to fruition, because they were ill planned or had no real outcome.

When it was time for dinner Loki still wasn’t summoned and he was still sitting next to an empty chair. The dinner on her plate was getting cold, just like his. He didn’t touch it, couldn’t. He placed his elbows on the table and put his hands before his face. He didn’t care it wasn’t appropriate, he didn’t care everyone would be looking at him as if he was a scumbag, they thought that of him anyway.

And maybe they were right. Maybe he did mistreat her, maybe she wasn’t a spy, maybe he misjudged her. But if he did, how could he be so wrong? He was never wrong about these things. He knew every lie, every trick by the book and he knewthat she lied, he _knew_ it. But when he remembered her smile, her twinkling eyes, her tears even, he knew they weren’t a lie. They couldn’t be a lie, she seemed so genuine, so pure. But she could have acted that way to lure him in. She knew all about him. But her anger was real, her pain was real when she called him a monster.

‘Loki?’

Loki looked up when he felt a big hand on his shoulder and Thor calling his name. His eyes were burning, he had pressed his hands to deep in them. Everyone was leaving the table, he noticed.

Thor’s face was worried and it worsened when he saw Loki’s plate. ‘Where’s Sigyn?’

Loki couldn’t answer him, he couldn’t or he would burst out in tears. He knew he had wronged her, he had, yes, he had. Thor sat next to him, he sat on Sigyn seat. First Loki wanted to push him away, but what was the point? She wouldn’t sit there no more anyway.

‘What happened, Loki?’

Didn’t Thor know? Didn’t she meet him anymore either to share Frigga’s memories with him? Thor didn’t wrong her. No, it was _his_ doing, it was always his doing.

Thor laid his hands on Loki’s shoulders and shook him lightly. ‘What happened? Talk to me.’

‘She is a spy’, Loki whispered while clenching his hands into fists. He was lying, for he did not believe it himself. Not anymore.

Thor’s eyes grew big. ‘She is what?! How do you know?’

Loki didn’t answer him.

Thor rose. ‘I must tell father. Do you know for who she is spying?’

‘Odin’, Loki’s voice was still soft.

Thor frowned. ‘Odin?’ He laughed, but when he saw Loki’s face, he sat down again. ‘Loki’, his voice was gentle. ‘You can’t be serious. Why would father spy on us?’

Loki looked at his brother, his face twisted in anger. ‘Not on _us_ , on me, spy on _me_!’

Thor shook his head. ‘Why would you think that, brother?’

‘Don’t you know, you oaf! I’m his number one enemy, he would rather have me locked away than me running around Asgard with my magic still in my possession. He only gave me this freedom, because you pleaded for me. One mistake and I’m back in the dungeons again.’

Thor was getting angry now too. ‘That’s not what father wants for you and you know it Loki!’

Loki rose. ‘By the Norns, sometimes I can’t believe you can be so blind.’

Thor stood up as well. ‘I am blind? You are the one who’s making false accusations. Sigyn is no spy, she is not, Loki, believe me.’

The more Thor tried to defend Sigyn, the more Loki started to believe he himself had been right after all. ‘And how do you know? I told you before she desires nothing more than to be queen, be _your_ queen, Thor. She wants to get in good graces with Odin and in the end marry you.’

‘Loki’, Thor laid his hand on his shoulder. ‘Listen to yourself, this is madness. Yes, I understand, she frightens me too sometimes, for she knows more about you and me than anyone, including ourselves sometimes. But mother wouldn’t give her memories to someone she didn’t trust. You have read into it yourself, have you not? She couldn’t have stolen mother´s memories, it doesn’t work that way. Mother must have given it to her willingly. Please, listen to me, Loki, just this once.’

The whole time Thor held him by his shoulder he clenched his hands into fists. He stared at Thor, but didn’t notice he was doing it. He let the words enter his clouded mind. It was Odin’s doing, it was _his_ doing that made him this way. His first instinct was to trust her, she was genuine, not a liar, not an actress, like the rest of the gods and nobles, but real, pure. However, Thor was right, she knew more about him than anyone and it frightened him, it frightened him so very, very much. She could use all of that information against him and why wouldn’t she, why hadn’t she? He would have, if he could gain something from it. But Thor was right, it was Frigga, his own mother, who trusted her, trusted her with her memories.

He broke, that’s what he did, in front of Thor. Thor took him in his big strong arms and stroked his hair. Loki let him, just as Svadilfari let Loki touch him, gently.

‘I don’t know what you have said or done, but you should make it up to her’, Thor said.

Loki clutched his hands into Thor’s shirt. He knew he had to but he didn’t know how. How could he make it up to her? She never wanted to see him again, never, and why would she, why would she indeed.

*

With sweaty hands Loki walked to Fensalir. He used a cloaking spell to get past the guards that were stationed at the beginning of the hallway. This hallway leading up to the grand doors was considered part of Fensalir and only the ones who had permission or resided here could pass the guards. In his mind he repeated what he was going to tell to Sigyn, but he couldn’t think further than to apologize. He didn’t think that would cut it. He had hurt her, scared her even maybe.

When he arrived at the entry hall of Fensalir Syn approached him. She didn’t look pleased at all, but he tried not to let it affect him. He straightened his posture. ‘I need to speak to Sigyn.’

Syn crossed her arms before her body. ‘You are not welcome here.’

‘Then ask her to come to me.’

‘She doesn’t want to speak to you.’

Loki froze for a moment. Of course he knew that, but it was still hard to hear it confirmed by someone who was not Sigyn herself.

‘Would you be so kind and ask her anyway?’

Syn shook her head.

‘Please?’ Loki stepped forward but bumped against a magical barrier. He looked up and saw it reached until the high ceiling. Did she do this? Did she, to keep him away forever?’

‘It’s best if you leave, my prince, it’s late already.’

Loki looked at the woman for a moment but turned around and walked away. He still needed to talk to Sigyn, only if it was just to apologize. He would leave her alone after that, he really would. He needed to catch her, just for one moment. He decided he had the best chance by staying close to Fensalir. He would set up camp in the hallway leading to the grand doors. Well, camp, he couldn’t really call it camp, for it would only be him and his remorse.

He turned around and walked back. Syn was gone. He rested himself against the wall and stared at the entrance. After a while his legs got tired and he decided to sit down. He knew the floors were polished and clean, but he still didn’t like it. He didn’t mind the cold, but he did mind how vulnerable it made him. The hallway was big and empty like most of the spaces in the palace. He pulled his legs up against his body and rested his head on his knees. He suddenly missed his chambers but he wouldn’t give up, he would stay here as long as necessary.

*

Loki didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he was woken up by a sweet woman’s voice who called his name. When he looked up he needed to blink several times against the light, before he saw Sigyn was standing in front of him. He startled a little, he wasn’t prepared for a confrontation already. She had her arms crossed before her body and was looking sternly at him, just like his mother when she was angry at him.

‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

Loki’s body was so stiff from the position he held the whole night, he could barely manage to stand up. When he rose he noticed his limbs had been cut off from the flow of blood and his legs were almost too weak to stand upon. When he finally stood up straight, he held himself to a windowsill and looked at her.

‘I wanted to see you.’

‘Why?’ she asked, she almost sounded if she didn’t care.

‘I wanted to apologize.’

Sigyn shook her head and looked away from him.

Loki placed his hand before his face, he had formed some words in his head last night, things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t remember them.

‘Sigyn’, he stepped towards her while trying to keep himself on his legs. ‘I want to apologize. I am… sorry.’

She looked at him then and he turned his gaze to the ground. He couldn’t meet her eyes, her brilliant blue eyes, eyes that hated him. It was long ago when Loki said those three little words. He could remember when he was little and he stole candy from the kitchen. He had to say sorry to his mother, for she of course had to apologize for her son’s behaviour. He felt guilt then and he felt guilt now, but even more, regret.

He looked at her again. ‘I am really sorry, Sigyn. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘Well, you did, Loki’, her voice trembled and tears formed into her eyes. Her tears were real, just as they were that night.

‘I want to make it up to you, tell me how I can make it up to you.’

‘Do you trust me?’

Loki frowned.

‘Do you?’ she asked again. ‘For if not, we can never see each other again. I need your trust.’

Loki turned his gaze to the floor again. She needed his trust, he needed to trust her. But could he, could he really? Or would his mind come up with a new theory, a theory that would lead to doubts again. No, he had to trust her, he wanted to trust her. Frigga would not have trusted her with her memories if she was a traitor, she wouldn’t, he could trust on that.

He looked up, ‘I do.’

Sigyn slowly let her arms drop down beside her body. ‘Have you been here all night?’

Loki nodded.

She walked towards him and placed her hand on his cheek. He had missed her soft touch. He closed his eyes for a moment and rested his face in her hand.

‘You look not well. When was the last time you ate something?’

Loki looked at her. ‘I can’t remember’, he answered in a whisper.

‘Come with me then.’

She took his hand and he followed her inside Fensalir.

Sigyn brought him to a large balcony with glass before the windows and offered him a seat. After spending the night on the hard palace floor the seat felt very comfortable, as comfortable as his soft bed almost.

‘I’ll get you something to eat.’

He nodded and closed his eyes. But he fell asleep before he noticed her leaving.

*

Loki felt the sun burning on his face when he opened his eyes. He looked around. Sigyn was gone. The only trace she left behind was the blanket that covered him and the bowl of yoghurt with the ingredients in separate bowls placed on the small table next to him. He didn’t know how long he had slept, but he felt much better. The yogurt was still cold when he took a bite. She had put a spell on it to prevent it from decaying.

When he finished his breakfast, or lunch, since he thought it had to be midday already, he rose and walked back towards the entry hall. She wasn’t there. A few women were sitting on the benches around the pond and looked at him curiously when he approached them. He wanted to ask where he could find Sigyn, but one of the younger women spoke first.

‘She’s in the queen’s garden. Do you know where to find it?’

Loki nodded. He had been there when he was younger. He hesitated, for he did not know if this was an invitation or if he had to wait for her here.

‘You can go to her, if you want’, the young woman answered and smiled.

Loki walked further. The halls echoed with laughter, laughter that came from the queen’s gardens. He knew he should not be here, he knew he wasn’t permitted to. But still, the lady said so herself he could go to her and he wanted to. For he still did not know if she had forgiven him and something in him wanted to know if she did.

When he entered the gardens he saw young women dancing in a circle, some had tambourines in their hands and others were clapping. They were laughing and running circles around themselves. Their colourful dresses were flying in the air. Sigyn stood in the middle of the group. She smiled and clapped and was encouraging them to go faster.

Loki could only look at her when he spotted her. She had the same smile again when he saw her for the first time and the same sparkle in her eyes. How could he ever doubt her? How could his mind be so corrupt? She could never be fake, never be an actress and never be a spy.

‘Please, stop!’ a woman yelled at her and they all laughed.

Sigyn laughed as well. ‘All right then, you may stop.’

The music came to a halt and the women slowed down until they all stood still again. Some of them had to support themselves on their friends after their wild twirling, but they clearly had fun.

‘Tomorrow we shall have a less intense lesson. I will teach you one of the maiden songs.’

When Sigyn looked around and spotted Loki he turned his gaze towards the ground. Maybe he shouldn’t have stayed and looked, maybe this was a private lesson, no visitors allowed, no _male_ visitors allowed.

‘I will see you tomorrow’, Sigyn said to the group and when Loki looked up again she was coming towards him.

She smiled, thank the Norns, she smiled.

‘Did you like it?’ she asked.

He nodded. ‘You teach them?’

‘Yes, it’s one of my duties here. But I love to do it, they are so motivated.’ She brushed some grass off her dress and eyed him carefully. ‘How are you doing?’ she asked, her voice soft but more serious.

‘I’m fine. Really’, he smiled. ‘Thank you.’

He turned his gaze towards the floor again. He didn’t know how to ask her, if he could ask her. But he needed to know if they were okay again, he had to.

‘Do you… Would you like to come to dinner again tonight?’

Sigyn laid her hand on his arm and he looked at her.

‘Of course.’


	10. Chapter 10

The first thing Loki did when he was back at his chambers was to take a bath. It felt like he hadn’t done that for days. He had it scented with eucalyptus. He liked its smell, for it tickled his nose and awakened his mind. When the bath was heated he dropped his dressing gown and descended the steps into the basin. The water reached up to his chest at its deepest. He allowed himself to submerge for a moment, before he swam till the far end of the bath were he found the oils.

After he was done washing himself he tried to relax and inhaled the strong scent of eucalyptus. He wondered what Sigyn thought about him when she found him this morning. He must have looked and smelled like a vagabond. Still, she didn’t back down, she moved close to him, touched him. He closed his eyes. He missed that touch, a women’s hand was so much softer than a man’s. Not only because of their skin, but also the way they touched, with gentleness, with sweet affection.

He drowsed off a little bit and was called awake by his valet. He had asked him to call him before dinner started. He wanted to have time to prepare himself. When he walked into his bedroom he looked at himself in the mirror. He lost some weight again and he looked tired as well. But his eyes were bright nonetheless and his hair was shining healthily.

His valet helped him dress. He was happy he fitted in his formal suit again. He missed some muscularity here and there maybe, but training would get him there. A servant combed his hair, he asked for it, and he was wondering at the same time whether he should cut it or not. It was growing over his shoulders by now.

When he was done and somewhat pleased about the way he looked, he set out for dinner. Sigyn wasn’t there yet when he entered the Grand Hall. Thor was looking inquisitively at him, but Loki didn’t answer his look. He sat down at his seat and straightened his silverware and his glass and that of Sigyn’s as well.

‘Good evening’, when he heard her sweet voice he looked up. He stared, he knew but couldn’t stop staring even when she sat down. She was wearing the green dress and the green hairpin. She looked absolutely beautiful and they were almost like a couple now.

‘The colour suits you very well’, he said.

She smiled but didn’t meet his gaze. ‘And here I was thinking the colour would become fashionable after your little magic stunt.’

‘I am afraid I ruined that for you.’

When she looked at him then his heartbeat accelerated for a short moment and all he wanted was to take her hand, to reassure himself it was just her he was talking to and not someone else, or better, something else.

He wasn’t hungry, but not because the smell of the food displeased him, on the contrary, it smelled rather nice. He ate anyway, he couldn’t disappoint her. But he wished the glass of water was a glass of wine right now, for he wanted to make conversation with her, but didn’t know how. When they both went to grab the carafe of water, they touched hands and apologized. He let Sigyn take the carafe first and she was so kind to fill his glass as well. He had time to look at her plate then and saw she didn’t eat much either.

‘What other classes do you teach?’ he asked, finally finding a topic he could talk about. Why was it so hard tonight?

‘I teach singing, dancing and drawing. I also have some pupils who I teach magic’, she answered, all the while she was staring at her plate. Clearly her food got cold, just like his.

‘You do?’ Loki was surprised to hear Sigyn and he, beside Odin, weren’t the only one in the palace in the possession of magic.

Sigyn looked at him again. ‘Most of their parents sent them to the palace because they possess something they don’t know how to deal with. It is very sad for those girls, most of them don’t want to leave their home and come here. But I want to give them a place to feel at home, that’s the least I can do.’

‘How strong is their magic?’ he asked.

‘Stronger than you might think.’

Loki frowned. ‘Does Odin know about this?’

‘He does.’

‘And he’s ok with it all?’

Sigyn nodded. ‘As far as I know, he is. With Frigga’s death Fensalir officially is now his responsibility, but he doesn’t interfere in our lives.’

Loki wondered if Odin just didn’t care or if he respected the women living there. The women who possessed magical strength were controlled and contained while they stayed at Fensalir and maybe that was in Odin’s best interest.

When dinner was over Loki helped Sigyn out of her chair. He saw her blushing a little and a small smile appeared on her mouth.

‘May I walk you back to Fensalir?’ he asked.

Sigyn nodded and he took her arm in his. Loki saw Thor, the Warriors Three and Sif looking at them when they walked out of the hall. He tried not to read anything in to it, although it was very hard not to.

On their way back Loki still had a hard time coming up with conversation. But she wasn’t very talkative either and it worried him more than it should.

‘Will I see you at breakfast?’ he asked softly when they reached the doors to the entry hall of Fensalir.

Sigyn nodded and kissed him on his cheek. ‘Goodnight, Loki.’

‘Goodnight’, he answered and saw her walking away.

*

Loki couldn’t fall easily asleep that night. He was thinking about Sigyn and how much it bothered him that he was thinking about her, instead of thinking about his escaping plan. But she looked so very beautiful tonight and he wondered why she chose to wear the green dress. It was not her favourite colour he knew. She lied that evening, but it didn’t matter. She clearly did it for him then, but why he didn’t know. It pleased him, yes, but was that what she wanted? To please him? Or was she just being kind? She said so little, he almost thought she didn’t want to be with him. But she smiled and kissed him goodnight and above all, she wore the green dress.

But it didn’t matter, all of it didn’t matter, not really. He would escape and he would succeed. He would never ever go back to Asgard again. He would disappear in the vastness of the universe, disguised as whatever he liked, out of Heimdall’s sight, out of Odin’s reach. Physically he was still not strong enough, so he had to be a little bit more patient. He would go training tomorrow, he wanted to defeat Thor again and this time not be drained from energy for two days.

*

Sigyn was sitting at his breakfast table again the next morning. Loki had forgotten he had asked her last night and wasn’t really prepared for this moment. His head was full of fighting techniques.

‘Good morning’, he said and took his seat next to her.

She looked at him and smiled. ‘Good morning.’

Loki chose ingredients to mix with his yogurt, taking extra of the cereals and choosing banana to complete his meal. He needed the energy if he wanted to challenge Thor again. He knew his brother always ate bacon and eggs for breakfast. It disgusted Loki, he couldn’t understand why someone could digest such rich food so early in the morning.

‘What are your plans for today?’ Sigyn asked.

‘I am heading to the training grounds’, Loki answered, before remembering Sigyn hadn’t been very thrilled the first time he went.

‘Oh’, Sigyn answered and cast her eyes down. She folded her hands together. ‘I understand why you thought I was spying for Odin’, she followed, her voice soft. ‘But he wouldn’t do that, he wants you to be safe, truly, that’s all he ever cared about.’

Loki dropped his spoon. ‘Is that so?’ he asked somewhat irritated. He didn’t want to talk about Odin and certainly not in the early morning.

‘Yes, and I want to show you.’

Loki shook his head. Why did she have to come up with this now? He was in a good mood, ready to beat Thor again.

She laid her hand on his arm. ‘Please, just one example, to show you what I mean.’

Loki looked at her hand and back to her face.

‘Please?’ she repeated.

Loki sighed, ‘all right then.’

*

Odin was walking back and forth in his study chamber. He had his arms behind his back and was looking to the ground in deep thoughts. Frigga was standing by his desk and was observing her husband. A small sword was lying in the corner of the room.

‘The instructor brought Loki to me, crying’, Odin said. ‘He said our son walked out of the lesson because he was fed up with it.’ Odin stopped pacing and placed his hand before his eyes. ‘I yelled at him again and he threw the sword at me before he walked out.’ Odin looked at Frigga. ‘He needs to learn to control the sword. How else is he going to defend himself? We can’t keep him locked up in the palace for the rest of his life.’

‘Have you ever considered he could use his magic to defend himself? He could even use daggers, he seems to have a real talent for that’, Frigga proposed.

Odin growled. ‘Daggers are for women. He would be laughed at.’

Frigga walked to her husband and laid her hand on his arm. ‘He is laughed at now because he can’t wield the sword. Don’t you see it’s hurting him? He would be respected if he could use his magic combined with daggers and it would boost his self-esteem.’

Odin sighed. ‘Why can’t he be more like Thor?’

Frigga laid her hand on his cheek. ‘Would you really want that?’

‘Sometimes. Perhaps.’

*

Loki rose from his seat when the memory faded. ‘Why did you show me this? It doesn’t support your argument in any kind of way.’

‘He was scared you couldn’t defend yourself.’

‘I could defend myself, but he disagreed with my choice of weapon because it was meant for women. He wasn’t afraid I would be laughed at, he was the one who was scared to be laughed at because a son of his couldn’t wield a sword and had to use daggers instead. He even wanted me to be like Thor, the son who did make him proud.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists and he felt a ball of anger rise in his stomach. This memory only made his own argument stronger, he always disappointed Odin, how much he tried and he did try, he did. He even almost killed his own race. He was prepared to wipe away his own background to show Odin he was truly his son and no one else’s. But it still wasn’t good enough, it was never good enough.

Tears formed into his eyes and he turned towards the door.

‘Loki, please stay, I didn’t mean to upset you’, Sigyn said.

But Loki didn’t stay, couldn’t stay. He had his plan, he would escape from Asgard and he was planning to go through with it. No matter what she thought about it, it was his life, _his_ , she had nothing to say about it and she had no power to persuade him even if she tried.

With large steps he walked towards the training grounds. He jumped over the fence and walked straight towards Thor and his friends who were staring at a map.

‘I want a rematch, Thor, I am ready’, Loki said.

Thor and the others looked at him.

‘We are going to Jotunheim today, Loki’, Fandral told him.

Loki froze and looked at Thor with wide eyes. Why would they go to Jotunheim? Thor knew who Loki was and it pained him he was still going on an adventure there.

He clenched his hands into fists. ‘I forbid you.’

The Warriors Three and Sif laughed, but Thor didn’t and walked towards Loki. ‘We are only going there to train. We are still keen on catching a Bilgesnipe. We won’t mess with the Jotuns.’ Thor laid his hand on Loki’s shoulder. ‘I promise.’

But Loki pushed his hand away. He didn’t care why they would go there, he just hated the fact Asgardians would use the realm for their own sport. It obviously didn’t matter to Thor if the Jotuns would consider it inappropriate or not.

Thor smiled. ‘We can have that fight tomorrow, brother.’

Loki growled and pushed him away. ‘I’m not interested any longer’, Loki answered and left his brother watching him walk back to the palace.

Loki thought Thor knew better, had learned from the past, but he obviously didn’t. The universe was still his playground he could do what he wished with it. Thor was punished for it once, but never again. Thor made Odin proud, Thor was his one and true son. Loki was a burden, found on a rock, meant to do great things perhaps, meant to made Odin proud, but he failed and kept on failing.

Loki started running, he wanted to hurt someone, really, really bad. He wanted to hear his dagger being pushed into the flesh, bones cracking and necks snapping. He wanted to see blood running out of a body, to see the life draining away slowly, eyes growing dull and lifeless. It calmed him, when in rage, it calmed him.

Instead he went to the room where he trained with his daggers. The targets were still in place and without really concentrating on his aim he threw dagger after dagger. He screamed as he threw, louder and louder and he started crying.

They betrayed him, they betrayed him all! Even his mother betrayed him. She died, while she promised to take care of him forever, she promised to love him forever. He had his revenge, he killed the creature that killed his mother. But it wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t get her back and he would never see her again, never, and it was all Odin’s fault. He lied. He shouldn’t have lied to him, he should never have lied to him. Loki would never try to please him, never tried so hard if he knew it didn’t matter anyway, didn’t matter, because he was and always would be a Jotun. Not his son, never his son, never an Asgardian.

When he was out of knives he fell to his knees, tired and broken. He placed his hands before his face and couldn’t stop his tears from flowing.

*

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there like that, but when he heard a sweet voice calling his name he stopped crying. Sigyn sat down on the floor in front of him and removed his hands from his face. He didn’t dare to look up, although his dark thoughts had passed and his anger subsided. When he felt her soft hand on his cheek he rested his head into her touch. He was suddenly so tired, so very, very tired. He wanted to give up, stop fighting, stop running, but he knew his life wasn’t cut out that way. But for a moment he just imagined he had given up, had accepted who and where he was.

He looked at her. His eyes hurt, but the sight did not. Her long copper blonde hair coursed like streams down her shoulders and her blue eyes shined like two bright sapphires. He only now noticed she had freckles on her nose. Her lips were full and soft pink, like a rose. He touched her skin, it felt like satin.

Tears formed in his eyes again. ‘Show me her funeral.’

Sigyn nodded and he rested his hands on her temples.

*

It was dark and the night sky showed the attendees its treasures. They were all standing on the balcony, all showing their respect to those that died during the attack of the Dark Elves. Frigga’s skiff went first, followed by hundred others. It was as if she was leading her subjects to the next life, to Valhalla, the place all the brave soldiers went. When the skiffs were further upon the river the attendees lifted lanterns. It would give the deceased light on their path through darkness, on their path to the realm of the forever living.

*

Loki rested his forehead against that of Sigyn when the memory faded and he came back to the present time. His mother’s funeral had been just how she wanted it, under the night sky, with all her loved ones present. Except him, but now it was like he had been there too.

‘Thank you’, he whispered.

Sigyn kissed him softly on his lips and embraced him.


	11. Chapter 11

Loki and Sigyn lunched together and Loki spend the rest of the afternoon in the library. Sigyn had another class to teach and had to leave. She promised him she would be there at dinner and he had no doubt she would be. He hid himself in the farthest corner and nestled himself on the broad and pillowed windowsill. He read a novel about a man who encountered dwarves and got the most valuable weapons for free by playing off two well skilled dwarf families against each other. It was written as a comedy and it made him smile from time to time. When he was just in the middle of the story it was Thor who disturbed him.

‘Back from your adventure already Thor?’, Loki asked with disdain in his voice not looking up from his book.

‘We didn’t go to Jotunheim’, Thor answered him.

‘Why not? Was the weather too cold?’ Loki mocked.

‘No, I thought it might not be such a good idea after all.’

‘Did the idea of running into a Bilgesnipe scare you?’

Thor slammed with his hand on the windowsill and Loki looked up. He saw rage in Thor’s face, the same rage he had seen before, the same rage Odin had shown him many times.

‘No, I did it for _you_ , Loki! It took me a lot of persuasion.’

Loki wasn’t impressed. It only showed how foolish Thor’s friends really were. Of course they listened to their prince and wouldn’t set out on their own. They were tame sheep and Thor was their herd leader.

‘Did you tell them who I am?’ Loki asked, not that he cared about that anymore. He was laughed at and mocked anyway. But it would be nice to know if he was going to be hunted by some foolish sheep so he could prepare himself.

‘No, of course not! How could you think that of me?’

Loki turned to his book again and started to read were he left off. At first Thor just stood, before he took a seat on the other side of the windowsill.

‘I asked Sigyn if I could tell father about her’, Thor said, his voice soft and calm again.

Loki froze and looked to Thor. ‘You asked what?’

‘She told me I could, but not before I asked for your approval first.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists. The thought of her sharing Frigga’s memories with Odin was disgusting. He already found it hard to imagine she shared them with Thor, but with Odin? It was unimaginable.

‘He has a right to know, don’t you think?’ Thor continued.

Loki slammed the book shut and rose. ‘I won’t allow it.’

‘He misses mother too, you know.’

‘I don’t care!’ Suddenly he was furious. How could Thor make such a proposal? ‘She isn’t some doll you can pass around and share with everyone.’

Thor stood up as well. ‘I am not talking about everyone, I am talking about our father.’

‘Your father!’

‘Don’t be childish now, Loki.’

Loki shook his head and placed the book back on the shelf. ‘You sound just like him.’

‘Good.’

Loki turned towards Thor. ‘That was _not_ a compliment.’

Thor shook his head. ‘I knew this wouldn’t work. I could have done it behind your back, you know.’

‘Why didn’t you then?’ Loki asked with a cold voice.

With heavy steps Thor walked towards Loki and grabbed him in his neck. ‘Because I love you, brother.’

Thor’s light blue eyes scanned Loki’s green eyes. But when Loki averted his gaze, he let him go.

‘Talk to Sigyn for me and think about it, please’, Thor said and walked away.

*

During dinner Loki kept on thinking about Thor’s proposal. Of course Loki knew Odin missed Frigga, he had loved her more than anything in the universe. When Loki still considered them both as his parents, he had often observed them from a distance and because of that he knew. He knew by the way Odin looked at her, by the way he touched her gently, and when he smiled, he smiled at her with affection. It was always subtle, but when someone really paid attention, it was more than clear.

Loki looked at Sigyn. He considered her his, he discovered her first. Finding out that Thor was part of her life too, bothered him more than it should, but maybe he was wrong. She, of course, was no one’s and could do as she pleased. So he wondered why she wanted his approval. What did it matter to her if he disagreed? He wondered if she would really obey him if he did say she couldn’t meet with Odin. He imagined not and frankly, he would not respect her any longer if she would. But still, he didn’t want her to meet with Odin. He wanted her to be his and his alone.

‘Thor told me you agreed to let Odin know about you and the memories you carry with you’, Loki said to Sigyn when he walked her back to Fensalir.

‘I did, I do still’, she answered.

Loki swallowed. Of course she hadn’t changed her mind. Why would she have? She was a person who offered help when asked and even when _not_ asked. He himself was the perfect example of the latter and her duties in Fensalir of the former.

Sigyn stopped walking. ‘Loki, I need to tell you something’, she sounded very serious all of a sudden. ‘It’s about these memories and about us.’

Loki watched her intently, but she cast her eyes down.

‘Frigga shared some of her memories with me because she was scared, scared her family was falling apart. It all started with Thor being cast out of Asgard, but it followed with so many more problems.’

Sigyn looked at him with tears in her eyes. ‘She was scared about you the most. She felt like she was losing you and she felt like you were losing your family, the persons who loved you most. She wanted me to help you get back together again. Not just you and her, but you and Thor and mostly you and Odin. She knew it was probably impossible, but with her memories she thought it could work.’

Sigyn cast her eyes down and a tear rolled down her cheek. ‘She died before we could make a plan, but I promised to help her and I am trying, but I feel I’m failing. You and Odin…’ she looked at him again. ‘He’s my last hope, you see.’

Loki clenched his jaw. So this was her plan? She was helping Frigga from beyond the grave? She made a promise to her and still stuck to it? He could do nothing but admire her for it, but it was a lost cause. He would never consider Odin as his father again, no matter what. But he didn’t want to disappoint her, he didn’t want to disappoint his mother.

‘Let Thor tell him about you, then’, he said.

‘Do you mean that?’ she asked with red, but hopeful eyes.

Loki laid his hand on her cheek. ‘I mean it, Sigyn’, and he kissed her forehead.

*

Every morning Loki went training with Thor, the Warriors Three and Sif and every afternoon he went to the library, mostly to read for his pleasure, but also for preparation. He had set his mind on the portal below the waterfall to escape for some time now. The river was still frozen. He could skate to the place where he took Sigyn once and let himself fall over the edge. But it was easier said than done and somehow it also frightened him more than before.

Loki didn’t know if Odin really wanted to meet Sigyn and see Frigga’s memories. He never asked Sigyn about it, he wouldn’t and couldn’t. He was still too repulsed by the idea. She still joined him every morning at breakfast and every evening at dinner. Not that it was necessary anymore, he was eating well and he had never been more healthy. His magic and body were strong and everyday he got stronger. He fitted into his suit once more and with his helmet on his head he even looked regal again. Often people looked at him when he entered the room, more so when he had Sigyn at his side.

He tried not to get too attached to her, no more than he already was. He had to say goodbye to her as well. Even to Thor, Sif and the Warriors Three. He’d hung out with them a lot lately and it felt like they saw him as a part of the group again, even if it was just for a little bit. None of them knew about his plan, not even Sigyn, although she had her suspicions. It had to be done early in the morning, when everyone was still asleep but when the sun was giving him enough daylight. It had to be done soon.

*

The day passed by as an ordinary day. He ate breakfast, trained, read in the library, ate dinner and walked Sigyn back to Fensalir. But it wasn’t an ordinary day, he was saying goodbye. He already started this morning with Thor and his friends. He shook all their hands when the training was over. They laughed about it, thinking it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, but Loki didn’t mind they thought it was. He didn’t want them to suspect anything. He ended his day saying goodbye to Sigyn and it was harder than he had imagined.

‘You didn’t eat much tonight, is something wrong?’ Sigyn asked him when he was walking her back to Fensalir.

He looked at her. ‘I am fine.’

‘Don’t lie to me, Loki.’

Loki stopped walking and stroked her soft cheek. Her face was lit up by the light of the torches and the shadows played across her features, her big eyebrows, her long lashes and round lips. He kissed those, he kissed those round lips. She responded and placed her arms around his neck, while he pulled her close against his body. This was his goodbye, this was his long expected goodbye and she knew it, he knew she knew it, because she was crying when he let her go. He nuzzled with his nose through her hair. She smelled like the lilies that grew in the pond in the entry hall of Fensalir.

She grabbed his cloak tight between her hands. ‘Please, tell me I’ll see you at breakfast’, she said with a trembling voice.

She looked at him, her eyes were red from her tears. He wanted to avert his gaze to not see her distress and lie. He wanted to lie, but he couldn’t, not to her. He laid his hand on her cheek and kissed her forehead. ‘Goodbye, Sigyn’, he said and without looking at her he walked away, hearing her soft cry fading in the distance.

*

Loki couldn’t fall asleep that night. He tried to forget Sigyn’s distress and think about the next morning, how he would escape and where the portal might lead him. His final goal was Midgard. He had an apartment in New York and was planning to stay there for a while. He didn’t know for how long, but he would use a cloaking spell to prevent anyone from finding him.

It felt weird though, to go back to New York again. The last time was a disaster. He had desired to hurt Odin, to hurt Thor so badly then. He wanted to destroy what they loved most, pulverize them, like he was when he found out his real identity. It was a silly plan and poorly executed, he knew that now. His anger, his pain and self-loathing didn’t disappear. No, it doubled, tripled maybe. If it hadn’t been for Frigga, if it wasn’t for his mother who still loved him after what he had done, he wouldn’t even be here, he would have lost the will to live. She was all he had and he realized it, but only when it was too late.

*

When the first light of the morning finally came Loki rose. He dressed himself in his black leather suit and green cloak. When he entered his study room, breakfast wasn’t served yet. Loki expected this, but still he was somewhat hungry and he didn’t know when he would have a chance to eat again. Loki left his chambers. He knew that this was the time of day when the changing of the guards took place, so many posts were left unwatched. Not that it mattered to him, he was cloaked and passed the guards without being seen anyway.

When he escaped the palace he went to the stables. He wanted to say goodbye to Sleipnir and Svadilfari first. Sleipnir was walking restlessly in his box. He was shaking with his head and breathing heavily. When Loki wanted to pet him and calm him, he wouldn’t let him. Sleipnir wasn’t even really paying attention to Loki. Loki knew then that Sleipnir knew he was leaving him. Loki was about to leave his box when he felt his snout pressed against his back. When Loki turned Sleipnir froze and let himself be petted by Loki. He pressed his forehead against the horse’s soft snout. ‘I am sorry’, Loki whispered with a trembling voice. Sleipnir snorted softly and nuzzled with his snout in Loki’s hair. Loki smiled for it tickled him. He petted the horse again and left his box while he felt the gaze of Sleipnir stinging in his back.

Svadilfari was even more distant than usual. He was standing in the far corner with his back towards Loki. When Loki approached him, he kicked his legs backwards. It didn’t reach Loki and he knew the horse had planned it that way, but he was clearly not welcome. Loki sat down and took a hay strand to tear apart in little pieces. While he was doing that, Svadilfari turned around and watched what Loki was doing. Loki still didn’t look up, but he knew it was working. Svadilfari brought his big head towards Loki and sniffed his face. When his soft snout was pressed against Loki’s cheek, Loki closed his eyes and couldn’t prevent his tears from rolling down his face.

It was hard to walk away, harder than he had imagined it would be. But he knew Odin would take good care of Sleipnir and Thor could ride Svadilfari if he wanted. Or rather if Svadilfari let him. Loki was the only one he tolerated, even if he knew he had tricked him. But maybe because of that he respected Loki and let him near.

The snow was cracking under Loki’s feet. He did take care to wipe his tracks. Not that it really mattered if they did trace them, he would be gone anyway. But still, he didn’t just want to escape, he wanted to disappear, to vanish. Vanish from the life here at Asgard, vanish from the lives of Odin and Thor.

Winter was always short in Asgard and Loki could already feel the warmth return in the air, but the river was still frozen. Loki put his skates on and skated towards the cooper's reed. The sun was rising above the horizon and filled the air with warm colours which were reflected on the cold blue ice. Loki stopped for a moment to enjoy the final view he would have of Asgard. He closed his eyes and let the rays warm his face. He thought about his mother and he found it hard to imagine that it was not her, but only the memories of her that he left behind. In all the years he lived here, grew up here, he was thinking of her when he called Asgard home. Her kind eyes, her soft hands and sweet voice. He would never see those kind eyes, feel those soft hands and hear her sweet voice anymore. She was gone, his _home_ was gone and he would never have a home again.

When he opened his eyes he was more resolute than ever. He skated further to the cooper’s reed. He had to squeeze himself through the high plants. He remembered he had been here with Sigyn and how they laughed when the leaves tickled their faces. He had led her to the waterfall, but it scared her and maybe it scared him as well now he was standing there again. He held onto the reed and looked further ahead. It was only a few steps away before the river dropped down into a waterfall. He knew it was necessary to fall directly into the portal. If not, he could be drifting in space again for a while.

Loki didn’t know where this portal would bring him, but he knew his way through the galaxy. He knew most portals and where they led. Slowly he let go of the reed and skated towards the waterfall, towards were Asgard ended. His heart was racing in his chest and his breathing stopped in his throat. He looked over the edge first, but pulled back again. The fall was deep and seemed infinite. But somewhere down there was a portal, an unguarded portal. If he wanted to escape, to disappear, to vanish, he had to do it, he _had_ to. He had no life here, no future, and no prospects. He was held captured, contained. So even with all his magic and all the capabilities it gave him, the big green monster was right after all and was he just some puny god. He looked again and counted to three in his head.

But when he was at three and was willing to skate over the edge, a strong hand caught him by his wrist and pulled him away from the edge.

‘No, Loki.’


	12. Chapter 12

Loki tried to pull himself free from his captor, but his wrist was held firmly. He turned around and faced Odin’s worried eyes. Loki twisted his spine to look past the All-Father’s broad posture. He was sure the king would be flanked by guards, but he had come alone. 

‘Please, not like this’, Odin pleaded.

‘I do what I want!’ Loki tried to pull himself free once more, but Odin held on tight.

‘I will let you leave tomorrow, if you let me talk to you today.’

Loki looked back at the edge of the river. The portal beneath it would lead him to freedom. Freedom from Odin, from this place called Asgard. He wasn’t willing to let this freedom go, but to escape via this portal was a risk, a risk he wasn’t willing to take if it wasn’t necessary. He clenched his hands into fists. The only problem was that he had to listen to Odin, listen to the one he wanted to escape from the most.

He gave Odin a considering look. ‘Will you let me use the Bifrost?’

‘I will.’

Loki nodded then and thought Odin would let his arm go, but he was pulled back to the cooper’s reed with much speed. The big plants were not tickling, but slamming in his face and Loki held his free arm in front of his eyes. When they entered the main river again, Odin let go. Loki pulled his arm against his body as if he wanted to point out his arm was his and his alone, but Odin didn’t take any notice of it.

Odin followed him closely as Loki skated towards the waterside. It irritated Loki immensely. He slowed down a bit, knowing that it irritated Odin. At the riverbank Loki was the first to get rid of his skates and he walked towards Sleipnir. Odin must have been in great haste to come here, otherwise he would have used one of his other horses. Loki was just glad to see his son again. Sleipnir was glad as well for he let Loki pet him and the horse snorted contently.

‘We will bring you back to the palace’, Odin said.

Loki clenched his jaw. ‘I will _not_ let you take me to a place where your guards are present and you can lock me up again.’

‘I will not lock you up, Loki, I promise.’

‘I don’t care about your promises’, Loki snapped. ‘How did you find out I was here anyway? Oh, let me guess, it was Sigyn wasn’t it not?’

Odin shook his head. ‘I haven’t spoken to Sigyn in days. But she has shown me memories of Frigga. Dear and beautiful memories, about _you_ as well. I realized, seeing those memories, you would be capable of escaping and when I didn’t find you in your chambers this morning I knew you had planned to do it this day. There was only one place. I have been here with you, remember?’

Loki looked away from Odin and focused his attention back on Sleipnir. He did remember. Thor was too afraid to go when Odin was talking about the edge of Asgard. However, Loki was fascinated by the thought of a place he thought couldn’t possibly have an ending, having an edge. Odin kept him safe behind the reed, but he could still see where the river ended in a waterfall. He had been forbidden from coming here alone, but of course, he’d ignored that. Every year when the ice was thick enough he went to the edge of Asgard.

‘Why, I wonder, do you take such a big risk? Is your life so little worth, the life Frigga and I gave to you?’ Odin asked.

Loki looked at him with fiery eyes. ‘ _You_ keep me imprisoned here, what am I supposed to do?’

‘Imprisoned? I’m not keeping you imprisoned. I’m keeping you safe! From Thanos! He thinks you are dead now, but if he finds out you are still alive he will come for you, Loki. Don’t you realize that? You are safe here, that’s all I ever wanted, all I ever cared about. Sigyn showed me a memory of Frigga comforting you after your sword fighting lesson. I didn’t want you to give up, because I wanted you to learn to protect yourself. I never imagined daggers would be good enough for you.’

‘No, you thought daggers were for women and you didn’t want _your_ son to be seen with a women’s weapon. But still you let me lose over and over again while I used the sword you wanted me to use’, Loki snapped.

‘Like I said, I never imagined daggers would be good enough for you, but together with your magic it seemed to work very well.’

Loki shook his head. ‘You still don’t sound convinced. I might not have Thor’s strength, but I saved him, I saved _us_ a couple of time.’

‘I know you did, Loki.’

Loki started to pet Sleipnir again. He was listening to their conversation, for his ears were moving back and forwards, but luckily couldn’t understand what they were saying.

‘I worried about you. I still worry about you’, Odin continued.

Loki laughed in mockery. ‘Worried? You, worried about _me_? You, who always put Thor in the first place? He always made you proud while I could never do anything right. I always disappointed you and I never knew why until I found out I wasn’t _your_ son at all! I was _Laufey’s_ son. I was a Frost Giant, a monster! Now I understood why you loved Thor more. _Your_ son, your _golden_ son. Of course you loved him more and _despised_ me.’ Loki stepped away from Sleipnir. ‘I may be known as a liar and a monster, but you are the biggest liar and biggest monster of them all! You _lied_ to me! You _betrayed_ me!’

Loki saw that Odin was taking a moment to compose himself and Loki did the same. During his monologue the anger was building up in his stomach and his whole body was trembling with rage. This, this exactly was what he was escaping from. He didn’t want to feel this anger anymore, he didn’t want to be confronted with this pain. He wanted to be released from it and the only way he could was to go, to leave Asgard and never return. If he could he would go to the portal beneath the waterfall and let himself drop down without a second thought. But Odin started speaking again and he knew he was trapped, leaving was not a possibility, not today.

‘The first seconds when I held you in my arms and you changed into your Asgardian form, I knew you needed me and I knew I loved you and would love you forever. I was so proud of you, but it saddened me that you bonded more with Frigga than with me. But maybe that was my own fault. I didn’t understand you as well as she did. You were very different from Thor, you still are.’ Odin held his peace for a moment and sighed softly. ‘I remember you showed me one of your first magic tricks. You let a green bird fly out of your hands and told me it was one of my ravens. The bird flew high into the sky and there it vanished. I was so proud, but I was worried as well. I saw your magic growing and soon I figured out you would be a strong magician. But I saw the darkness growing in you as well. I didn’t understand were you could have got it from and I was worried you knew Asgard wasn’t your original home.’

Loki crossed his arms in front of his body. ‘Well, I found that out in a different way, didn’t I?’

Odin bended his head, ‘yes, and I regret it every day.’

‘You regret what? Not telling me yourself, or me finding out that I wasn’t an Asgardian?’

‘I should have told you’, Odin whispered, but Loki could hear him clearly. Odin looked at him again. ‘I should have listened to Frigga, but I didn’t, that’s what I regret the most.’

Loki clenched his hands into fists and dropped his eyes to the ground. It was somehow nice to hear Odin finally saying what Loki wanted to hear for a very long time, that _he_ , the All-Father,was wrong. But somehow it saddened him as well, for it didn’t have to be this way, if he _had_ listened to Frigga it wouldn’t have been like this. But now it was too late.

‘I want to show you something’, Odin said.

Loki looked up at him.

‘A place I have never taken anyone before, not even Thor’, Odin continued. He walked to Sleipnir and mounted the horse. ‘Sleipnir will bring us.’

Loki hesitated. What if this place was the palace and guards were waiting for him ready to take him back to the dungeons?

‘I promise you, it is not the palace’, Odin said, like he could read his mind.

Loki looked at Sleipnir, the eight legged horse, his son. It was a strong animal and could carry them both with ease. It was just that he didn’t know if he was up for a ride with Odin. But when the All-Father was reaching his hand to Loki he took it anyway and climbed up behind him, on Sleipnir’s back.

‘Hold on to me’, Odin commanded.

Loki wasn’t willing to touch him and certainly not in an embracing kind of way. So he laid his hands on Odin’s broad shoulders, but Odin forced his hands towards his waist.

‘Don’t even consider moving your hands or I swear you will fall off and break your neck. You may have given birth to this horse, but you never rode it.’

Loki scowled, but listened to Odin. He wasn’t willing to start a discussion and he was right, Loki never rode his own son, this was to be his first time and it excited him. Odin would never let anyone other than him ride Sleipnir.

Suddenly Loki was pulled back and he grabbed Odin tighter around the waist. He had spurred Sleipnir on and immediately the horse set off at great speed. The surroundings blurred as they sped by and he had to close his eyes to avoid getting dizzy. He couldn’t imagine how someone was capable of riding such a horse. He knew Sleipnir had to be fast, for he had twice as many legs as any other horse, but he was unimaginable fast, almost Bifrost fast.

Loki laid his head against Odin’s broad back and remembered he had done this when he was a child as well. Odin’s back then was more like a wall, a wall that protected him from the wind, the rain and the cold. And the more important stuff, like the bad people and monsters. From what he himself had become.

*

‘Loki’, it was Odin calling his name and Loki opened his eyes. He was somewhat dizzy, but when he looked up he saw they had stopped by a well and a big white tree.

‘You may dismount now.’

Loki tried to unlock his arms from where they were placed tightly around Odin’s waist. He didn’t have any strength in them anymore and they were slow to let Odin go. His hands were shaking and with much difficulty he swung his leg over the horse’s back and slid down on the ground. He almost couldn’t stand on his legs and had to hold on to Sleipnir to avoid falling on his face. It took a while before he felt his strength returning and it wasn’t until Odin laid his hand on his shoulder that he took notice of what was happening.

They were on top of a high mountain, the highest in the area. They walked to the well and took a seat. Loki looked around with a more clear view. Here they seemed to be closer to the sky than the ground. He couldn’t see the palace and the city, but he could see the riches the galaxy had to offer them.

‘I want to tell you a secret’, Odin started. ‘Everyone always thinks I lost my eye during the war on Jotunheim, but I did not. We are here at Mimirs’ well. I first visited this place long before I married your mother. It is the fountain of all knowledge and wisdom. Of course I was young and keen to know everything. Mimir, an old man with no eyes of his own, told me I could drink from the fountain but that I would have to pay a steep price. I would have to give up one of my eyes. It wasn’t until my need was high that I did, on the eve of the final battle with Jotunheim.’

Odin pointed to the water and Loki looked. Deep down, on the bottom, he saw Odin’s eye, the pupil was staring at the sky. Loki looked at Odin, he had cut his own eye to know everything, to be wiser than everyone. Loki would have done the same, if the opportunity was offered to him.

‘I gained all knowledge and all wisdom, but not all of it I wanted to know, for most of it is war, pain, grief and in the end…’ Odin rose and turned away from Loki. He clenched his hands into fists. ‘I knew you would come into my life, but not like this, not like a small, innocent child. I raised you as my own, I loved you as my own, when I should have…’ But he didn’t finish his sentence and walked away.

Loki looked at Odin, his shoulders were bend and his gaze was turned inwards. He looked old, so very old. Loki turned towards the well again, maybe it was better to _not_ know it all. Still, he wondered what Odin knew, what would happen, for there was an end, an end to it all. Loki touched the water with his fingertips, he was tempted.

‘I poisoned it’, Odin said. ‘No one should know what I know. I know you are tempted, but it is better to be tempted than to know.’ Odin sat down next to Loki again. ‘Please, come back with me to the palace and dine with us for the last time tonight. You may leave tomorrow, like I promised.’

Loki bit his lip. He didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t exactly keen on going back to the palace. He would rather sleep in the open air and leave by first light, like he had been planning to do today.

‘I swear I won’t harm you’, Odin laid his hand on Loki’s cheek and Loki let him. His hand was softer than he imagined. Not as soft as a woman’s, but soft like an old man’s hand, like a man with all the knowledge and wisdom of the universe. ‘I swear it, Loki.’ Odin kissed him on his forehead and Loki let him. His beard didn’t sting as much as he thought it would, it tickled more than it stung. ‘My son’, Odin whispered.

Loki closed his eyes and he nodded slightly.


	13. Chapter 13

Loki told Odin he wanted to stay with Sleipnir and Svadilfari for a while before dinner started and Odin let him. It was a special experience to ride on his Sleipnir’s back. It was special, but something he never wanted to do again. The horse had such an immense power that it seemed to drain all of his. Sleipnir was very cuddly that afternoon and it seemed like he didn’t want to leave Loki’s side. Svadilfari was like this too, at least, in his own way. Loki always had to make Svadilfari come to him, the other way around didn’t work. It was like a game, but one they both played well.

When dinnertime arrived he said goodbye to the horses. This time it was just as hard, but he still knew he was doing the right thing. There was no future for him here, no prospects. He wished he could take both of them with him, but their home was Asgard, in Odin’s stables.

He smelled like horse, Loki realized, but it was too late to change clothes. Loki noticed his seat at the end of the table was taken by someone else and feared Odin tricked him, that guards would come and take him away to the dungeons. But Thor was rising from his seat and waving at him. ‘Come join us, brother.’

Loki walked towards the head of the table and saw a seat was free next to Thor and Fandral. The dinner plate contained a fish dish and in front of it stood a carafe with water. Thor moved the chair from the table and Loki took his seat. In front of him Hogun, Volstagg and Sif were seated, they greeted him with a nod. Loki looked further down the table, but couldn’t find Sigyn anywhere. She probably would not come, she probably thought he was gone and he was, he would be gone, just one more night.

‘Where were you today, Loki?’ Fandral asked. ‘You missed a brilliant fight between me and Thor and guess who won?’

Thor growled. ‘I let you win.’

‘No, no, oh, no. I won fair and square, my friend.’

Thor coughed, ‘I was distracted.’

‘Sure, by Sif’s beautiful eyes I imagine’, Fandral said and laughed.

The three in front of them laughed softly as well, but when Odin arrived they quieted down. Loki looked at Odin and Odin met his gaze. Loki saw sadness in his eye, but he nodded to Loki and he took his seat. Loki looked at his food. He thought he wouldn’t get to eat for days and now he had dinner again. It was not unwelcome. He was however desperate for the wine carafes, for he was certain this would be the last time he would drink Asgardian wine. So when Thor started pouring, Loki held his glass up so that Thor could top his off.

The six of them were toasting to life, to good food, to a good fight and beautiful women. Loki didn’t know what he was toasting to, a new beginning, maybe he was toasting for that. He wasn’t paying any attention to their conversations; he was distracted by his own thoughts. This was the last night he was here on Asgard, in the palace among Thor and his friends at Odin’s dinner table. Last night he didn’t realize it so intensely, last night he was still dining with Sigyn alone at the end of the table. He looked around again.

‘She’s not here, brother’, Thor said to him then.

Loki nodded, he had noticed. So last night was their goodbye, with her he wouldn’t have a second one. Although he would love to see her again, just one more time, just to see her sweet smile and kind eyes.

Dinner passed by in some kind of a blur. Loki was tired and ready for a warm bath and his bed. So when Odin rose and left the table, Loki was the first who left as well.

‘You are not going without saying goodbye again, are you Loki?’ Thor had followed him to his chambers.

Loki turned around and looked at his brother whose eyes were filled with grief.

‘It wasn’t fair of you’, Thor almost whispered.

‘I will be gone by the morning’, Loki answered.

‘Why so soon?’

Soon? Thor thought it was soon? He had been dreaming for this moment for months, if it wasn’t for Sigyn it would still have been a dream. But Thor never knew about his dream, Loki would have never told him about it and if it wasn’t for Odin’s dinner invitation, he would have left without saying goodbye.

‘Why don’t you stay here for a week, or two?’

‘Would you take care of Svadilfari for me? I know he’s hard to handle, but you should not force yourself upon him, he will come to you. Normally he doesn’t like strangers, but he knows you a little.’

‘Loki, please…’ Thor moved closer to him and Loki could see his eyes were red.

‘I can’t’, Loki said softly.

Thor placed his hand on Loki’s neck. ‘Why not?’

‘I have no purpose here.’

‘You have, Loki, you have’, Thor placed his forehead against his. ‘You are my little brother, you are my little brother’, he repeated and pressed Loki in his arms.

When he let Loki go, Loki saw Thor crying. He placed his hand on his cheek and he felt Thor trembling, he was trembling all over.

‘Goodbye, brother’, Loki said and entered his chambers.

*

Loki sank down into his bath. The scent of eucalyptus was filling his nostrils and his mind gained some peace at last. Odin, Thor, they were sad that he was leaving. Their change of hearts must have been the result of Frigga’s memories. Sigyn could be proud at herself. Her plan seemed to work out well. At least for him it did. He was done hating Thor, hating Odin, he was done being a Prince of Asgard. He would start a new life, not troubled with anger and pain of the past.

When Loki heard a knock on the door, he opened his eyes and saw his valet standing in the doorway. ‘The lady Sigyn is here.’

Loki rose out of the water. Sigyn? Sigyn was here? Suddenly his heart was racing in his chest. ‘Tell her I’ll be there in a moment.’

The valet nodded and left. Loki walked out of the water and took a towel to quickly dry himself. Then he put on pants and a dressing gown. With his heart in his throat he walked to his study room and he found her there, standing before the closed door. She just wore a white nightdress. He went over to her and laid his hand on her soft cheek. He wanted to say her name, ask how she was doing, why she came to his chambers, but she pressed her lips on his and he responded to those sweet lips of hers. He pushed her against the door, while she placed her arms around his neck. She was so lovely, so very, very lovely and he could do this, kiss her, forever.

But she stopped him. They were both breathing heavily. Her lips were swollen by their kiss and he longed to kiss her again, although he should talk to her first. He had a chance to a second goodbye to her after all and this time he didn’t want to leave her crying, this time he would promise her they would see each other again. He couldn’t really promise her that, but it was better to lie, than to upset her. The last thing he wanted was to upset her. He reached for her cheek again, but she took his hand and walked towards his bedroom.

Loki followed; he was somewhat overwhelmed and didn’t really know what to do. She didn’t say anything, but simply unbuttoned her dress. He was looking, not doing anything else, just looking, looking how she undressed herself in front of him. He should have stopped her, but he couldn’t and he realised it was too late as she dropped her dress on the ground and stood naked in front of him. Her breasts were small, her waistline as well, her hips were bony and her legs were thin, maybe too thin. He looked into her eyes then, he saw uncertainty, fear maybe, but most of all they were kind, her eyes were kind. He dropped his dressing gown on the floor and kissed her while he moved her onto his bed.

*

They lay face to face while they both were still catching their breath. Loki couldn’t stop looking at her. He stroked through her wavy copper blonde hair and kissed her softly on her lips. She was beautiful, so very beautiful. But she didn’t smile at him at all and he didn’t understand, he didn’t understand what she was doing here.

When she rose he took her hand. ‘Stay.’

Sigyn shook her head.

‘Please.’

‘I can’t’, it were the first words she spoke to him this night. She pulled her hand out of his and walked towards her nightdress that lay on the ground.

Loki watched her every move and watched her getting dressed again. ‘Why not?’

Sigyn looked at him then, her eyes were red. ‘Because I don’t want to wake up and find you gone’, and she walked to his study room.

Loki rose immediately and while he was grabbing for his pants he was walking after her. He was half dressed when he stopped her by the door. He grabbed her wrist tightly. ‘Why have you come here?’

‘Why do you think?’ Sigyn answered while tears formed into her eyes.

‘If this is an attempt to make me stay, you failed, I _can’t_ stay.’

‘I know that!’ Sigyn yelled. ‘I know’, she whispered while the tears were rolling down her cheeks. She kissed him softly on his lips. ‘Goodbye, Loki.’ And before Loki could say something she opened the door and disappeared in the darkness of his anteroom. When he heard the main door closing, he knew for certain she was gone. He closed the door, sank through his legs down on the floor and placed his hands in front of his face.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. I was waiting for my beta to finish the last two chapters, but I think she hasn’t found the time anymore. I don’t want to keep you waiting any longer, because you waited too long already! The last two chapters are not beta read. I’m not native, so the English can be a bit rough here and there, but I hope you still like it.

The following morning Loki went to the Bifrost. He had hardly slept that night. He thought about Sigyn. He would have liked it if she had stayed with him, if they would have talked. He didn’t even have the time to thank her. But perhaps it was best she left, for if she would have stayed, if he woke up with her in his arms, he knew he would have a hard time leaving. However, he already had made up his mind and no one, not even her, could change that.

Land ended where the Bifrost began. He saw the endless space and shivered. He was glad he could travel this way and didn’t have to use the portal beneath the waterfall. When he arrived at Heimdall’s Observatory, the golden god stood on his usual spot. Loki and he never were the best of friends, in fact, it was Heimdall who accepted him the least of all the gods. Loki imagined that this would be a happy day for him. Finally Loki was leaving and would never return, but the god didn’t look so pleased.

‘Heimdall, open the Bifrost for me’, Loki said.

Heimdall looked down at him. His eyes were cold, despite the golden colour.

‘Well’, Loki stepped upon the wheel, ‘what are you waiting for?’ The god still didn’t make any move. He looked at Loki as if he was talking nonsense. Loki laid his hand on Heimdall shoulder and smiled. ‘Don’t worry, I have Odin’s permission.’

The god pushed Loki’s hand away. ‘I know you have’, Heimdall answered.

‘Take me to Midgard’, Loki commanded and grinned when he saw the look on Heimdall’s face. He clearly was shocked to hear Loki’s destination. ‘Have you not heard me? I wish to go to Earth and bring me somewhere close to New York City.’

Heimdall still didn’t make any move and seemed even more in shock. It started to irritate Loki now and he moved closer to the god. ‘If you will not bring me, I will do it myself.’ He grabbed for the sword, but Heimdall was quicker than he and placed it in the middle of the wheel. Loki grinned when the Bifrost opened. He saluted, ‘say goodbye to the old man from me’, and he stepped into the rainbow light.

He had forgotten the immense force which the Bifrost transported its travellers with. It felt as if his lungs were pressed together and he couldn’t breathe. The universe passed by quickly, too quickly to follow so he closed his eyes. He remembered he hated to travel this way, but he couldn’t turn down Odin’s offer. This was the official way, no sneaky backdoor like the portals.

He hit the ground hard when he landed. It might not have looked elegant, but he was glad the ride was over. When he rose he saw sand, miles and miles of sand and he knew this wasn’t close to New York City at all. Heimdall had brought him to the desert in New Mexico. Loki looked up to the sky and growled. He changed himself into a bird. He knew the first town was not that far away and it had a diner.

When he arrived at the village he changed himself back into a man. He wore Midgardian clothes: a green shirt, black skinny jeans and black all-stars. He didn’t want to lose his colour signature. He might not be a Prince of Asgard anymore, but green and black were still _his_ colours. People stared at him when he walked into the diner. He smiled, somewhat insecure, and took a seat at the window.

A middle-aged waitress came towards him. ‘What can I get for you, handsome?’

Loki cleared his throat, not accustomed someone talking to him like that. Quickly he ordered their usual menu and muffins on the go. After the waitress wrote down his order and left, he watched outside the window. He remembered he attacked Thor here with the Destroyer. The town with its wooden houses was rebuild again, but it still was a dusty misery. If the people here knew it was he who had stirred things up he would not have been welcomed.

He looked around and noticed three teenage girls were watching at him from a distant table. They were whispering to each other and giggling. It made Loki feel uncomfortable. He knew they were talking about him and he didn’t like it. Luckily his order was brought to him quickly.

‘Could you tell me if there’s public transport towards a larger city, preferably one with an airport?’ Loki asked the waitress.

She nodded. ‘The next bus to Santa Fe leaves in about…’ and she looked at the clock at the wall, ‘… forty five minutes.’

When she left to help another costumer Loki could finally eat. He closed his eyes when he took a bite. He had missed the taste. He had eaten a burger before and he forgot he loved it so much. The food was one of his favourite things about Earth. Once he arrived in New York he would go to the pizza joint around the corner of his apartment. Someone once told him it was the best pizza joint in whole New York and Loki guessed he had to be right. He loved the Midgardian ice cream too and he wondered if he should order now. But no, he had to wait. In New York he knew this place with ice cream so delicious he could cry.

‘You are not from around here, are you?’

Loki looked up. One of the giggling teenage girls was standing at his table. She had long brown hair and light brown eyes. She wore a yellow summer dress and her skin was tanned by the sun. Loki didn’t answer her. Was it so obvious? Were his Midgardian clothes not good enough? What could he say? It was better to lie, than to tell the truth. How many did these people know about extra-terrestrial live? Of course they must have heard from Asgard, especially the people from this town. But still, what could he tell and what could he not tell?

‘You look like you are from New York City’, she followed.

Loki frowned, he didn’t expect that. ‘I am’, he answered hastily and cleared his throat. ‘I am’, he said more clear now and with much more conviction.

‘You are? That’s so cool!’ And the girl took a seat in front of him. She placed her hand under her chin and smiled. ‘Tell me about it.’

Loki was surprised she was so bold to take a seat without him inviting her. He decided to take a sip of his drink first. What should he tell? Did he have to tell her anything? He was not interested in sharing things with her, but somehow it seemed rude not to.

‘May we join you?’

Loki looked up again. The two other girls stood by his table, they smiled.

‘Yes, do, he was just about to tell me about New York’, the girl in front of him answered and without any hesitation the girls joined them, one even took a seat next to him.

He was somewhat nervous. But he was known as the silver tongue, the smooth talker. He could manage this situation and he knew he could trust on that. He grinned. ‘What do you girls like to know?’

*

If it wasn’t for the waitress, Loki would still have been in the diner talking to the teenage girls. They clearly hung on his every word. He told them truths, but of course he made some things more spectacular than they were or made them up entirely. He even told them he had seen Spiderman swinging between the high buildings, while in fact he never saw the man in his spider suit in his life. But they seemed to love these stories. They asked him about the Avengers too and especially Captain America had their interest. Loki couldn’t blame them, he was the most handsome of them after all and was of course their national hero. Loki smiled and closed his eyes. The seat on the bus wasn’t exactly comfortable, but Loki still managed to fall asleep.

*

With a light headache from the bumpy road Loki arrived at the airport. He managed to get a ticket to New York although he had one transfer and would arrive late in the evening in the city. He already hated the Midgardian way of traveling. He of course had other ways. He could easily change into a bird again and fly to New York himself. But it would take him days and he wanted to lay in his warm and soft bed tonight.

He had bought the apartment when he first arrived in the city with Asgardian gold. In this realm they seemed to be fun of gold and attached great value to it. With a relative small amount he could pay the apartment off and he could even manage to open a bank account. He of course used false identification. He managed to pay bills like water, gas and electricity, automatically. So if he wanted he could just move into his apartment and he would not have to worry about the necessary facilities.

The plane was crowded. He flew economy class. Maybe he should have chosen business class, but he didn’t understand the difference until now. He had a seat next to the path. He didn’t mind, he even found it preferable. Next to him sat an older couple. They were looking at a photo in a book in which four large heads were carved out of a mountain. These men must have been very special because a whole chapter seemed to be devoted to them.

He closed his eyes. He already desired his bed so very much. He opened his eyes when the plane took off and grabbed the arm rests of his chair tight with both hands. He didn’t like the feeling it gave him in his stomach and the light feeling in his head.

‘First time?’

Loki looked at the elder man next to him and shook his head. It was a lie of course, but he wasn’t into much talking right now.

The man smiled. ‘It’s alright, son. When we are high in the sky, you won’t feel a thing.’

The man was right. The moment the plane levelled again, the bad feeling disappeared. Although he was still somewhat anxious and when the flight attendant offered him a drink he took it without hesitation. After that he even managed to doze off. But his nap was interrupted when the plane started its landing after having flown just one hour in the calm higher regions of the sky. The same uncomfortable feeling rose in his stomach again and he grabbed the arm rests of his chair tighter. He was relieved when the wheels hit the ground.

*

On the airport he had to wait for his next plane to take off. He decided to take a seat on the ground just like other young people were doing. Loki wished he had brought something to read with him, because the waiting was dull and he started thinking about Asgard. He wondered how the day passed by without him there, probably not different than usual. He thought about Sigyn as well. He tried to ban her out of his head, but he didn’t really succeed. Images of her and of their intimate encounter last night appeared in front of his eyes. He hated the way she left, but he reminded himself it was for the best. He couldn’t stay, not even for her.

*

The flight to New York had movies on board. In the seat in front of him was a build-in screen and he could use the headset attached to it. He had watched movies before and enjoyed them immensely. Loki could choose between three different movies: action, comedy and animation. He chose animation. He hated comedies and the action movie didn’t really appeal to him. The movie was called Frozen. The art looked beautiful, but the moment he heard the first song he removed his headset.

The girl sitting next to him and who was blowing her bubble gum pointed to the screen. ‘That’s a great movie.’

‘Why do they sing?’ Loki asked annoyed.

‘It’s Disney. Don’t you know Disney?’

Loki shook his head. He never saw an animation movie before, he thought it was for kids and he was right to think that. The girl said Disney was for kids as well.

‘But lots of other people like it too and the songs are very popular from this one. Have you not seen the YouTube vids?’

Loki shook his head again.

The girl popped her bubble gum. ‘God, where have you been? I will show you, it’s really funny, but you have to see this movie first.’

Loki placed the headset on his head again and watched the movie. He liked the story and even the songs, although some of them he considered too long. He liked the ending as well, but the problem was solved too easily. When Elsa realized love seemed to be the thing she was looking for, all horror was over. It couldn’t be that easy, it wasn’t that easy. But still, it was a movie for children and for them it might be reasonable.

‘Liked it?’ the girl asked when Loki was done.

Loki nodded, ‘it wasn’t too bad.’

‘You don’t sound very convincing. But still, I will show you.’ The girl took her phone and moved closer to him. Loki was surprised how easy people, especially women, seemed to do that. Was he no threat to them at all? She showed him the video where a mother and her daughter were play-backing the song of Anna and the prince, “Love is an open door”. He had to admit, it was sweet and he had to smile.

‘They make this song so much better’, Loki said.

The girl laughed. ‘They do, don’t they?’ She looked at him, her eyes were sparkling. ‘My name is Anna.’

‘Are you serious?’ Loki said and laughed.

‘I am’, she giggled. ‘What’s your name?’

Loki froze. She introduced herself to him and now he had to respond. He liked her, so he did not mind. But could he use his own name? Did the people remember it was Loki, brother of Thor, who attacked New York? Did they remember his face? He knew he had to cut his hair and maybe he should do that. But he looked different now, he had no horned helmet on his head and he wore Midgardian clothes. He took a chance.

‘My name is Loki. It’s Scandinavian’, he followed quickly when he saw her frowning.

‘You don’t say’, she laughed. ‘Where do you live in New York? You _do_ live in New York, don’t you?’

Loki nodded. ‘I live in Manhattan.’

She popped her bubble gum again. ‘I thought so, although I would figure you as a Brooklyn type as well.’

Loki didn’t know what she meant by that, but it didn’t seem to be bad. She was from Brooklyn, she said.

‘I am a fashion designer’, she followed.

Loki looked at her then, _really_ looked. She wore a big black sweater, a legging with animal print and high black sneakers. Her black hair was partly shaved off. She wore no eye makeup, but used red lipstick on her lips.

‘I am looking for a male model, you would be perfect. Would you like to model for me?’ she asked him.

Loki frowned. He had thought about becoming a librarian or a scholar. But modelling? How could he be qualified for that? He had no experience. Above all, he didn’t want to become famous in any sort of way. People couldn’t find out who he _really_ was. In that matter it was like living on Asgard, where people couldn’t find out he was a Frost Giant. Here, on Earth, they couldn’t find out he was Loki, the god of chaos, the god who had attacked New York, the city he chose to life in, maybe to make his home.

‘Do you mean I will be seen on those big billboards in the city?’

‘No, silly! I need to fit the clothes I make to someone and maybe I will ask you to walk for me. But it’s all very local. You don’t have to decide now. Stop by at my place and we will talk more.’

She gave him her card with her address. He looked at it. He couldn’t believe she trusted him with this personal information so quickly, she didn’t know anything about him.

She smiled and popped her bubble gum again. ‘Don’t worry, I don’t bite. You can call me first if you like.’

‘Why me?’ he asked. It sounded a bit silly, but he didn’t understand at all.

The girl looked at him. ‘Because you have the right measures, the right age and both women and men would think you are hot.’

Loki laughed. Not because he thought it was funny, but because he didn’t believe her. In Asgard he wasn’t considered ugly, he had some effect on women, but Thor was the one all the women really dreamed about, with his golden hair, blue eyes and muscled body.

‘Do you really think I would be talking to you, if you weren’t’, the girl followed and she grinned.

*

It was dark when they arrived at the airport. Together with Anna Loki travelled with the subway to the city. Before she got out in Brooklyn she kissed him goodbye on his cheek.

‘I hope to see you soon’, she said before she left the wagon.

He looked at her when she walked away and he was moving again. He might visit her. Maybe they could even become friends. He had none in Asgard, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t have friends in Midgard. Although he knew he had to be careful who he trusted and what he could tell people about himself.

*

Loki was glad his apartment was located close to the subway entrance, he only needed to walk around the corner. He had his keys ready in his pocket and couldn’t stop touching them. He was excited to finally come home to his own apartment. The keys of the main door still fit. He took the stairs to the fourth floor, the top floor. His hand was somewhat shaky when he opened his door. He looked around when he entered. It smelled new, like when he first came here. Not a very distasteful smell, but not home as well. It was clean and neat. He liked it that way, but it was as if he walked into a hotel room. He always considered it as such, but now he wanted to live here and make it a home.

He was hungry, but there was no food in the fridge and he didn’t want to go outside to buy something. He just wanted to take a shower and sleep. Sleep peacefully in his own apartment, in his own bed.


	15. Chapter 15

Loki enjoyed his time in New York. He ate pizza from the best pizza joint in the city, just around the corner of his apartment, and the ice cream he had been craving for. The flavours cinnamon, pistachio and chocolate were his favourite, although he was warming up to the different fruit ice creams as well. He also watched movies and series and figured he had a lot to catch up. He grew a beard. It seemed to be the fashion here, but he decided it wasn’t his thing and shaved it off again.

Loki spent most of his time at home, but he also visited Anna. She was very glad to see him and showed him around her place. The clothes she designed were very experimental, but he liked it. He also met some of her friends and he started to stay for dinner more often. They talked about fashion, music, movies and series. Though most of the time they talked about relationships. He was fascinated by the fact that they could spend a whole night talking about it.

By that time Loki started to miss Sigyn. He missed her kind eyes, her warm smile and sweet voice. He missed someone who knew who he was, who he _really_ was. Who knew where he came from, where he grew up and the people from his youth. He wondered how her life was now. Still the same or did she get married and left Fensalir? He hoped she didn’t. He hoped she was thinking about him too. It wasn’t fair, he knew, but he didn’t want her to be with someone else than him. When he realized that he told Anna about Sigyn, how she helped him and how they grew intimate.

‘You should go to her and tell her’, Anna said.

‘I don’t know’, Loki answered.

‘Why not? Are you afraid she doesn’t love you?’

Loki shook his head. ‘I’m afraid she doesn’t want to leave the place where we grew up, to live with me. New York City is really foreign to her.’

‘So? It was to you too, but you are here now, on your own. If she really loves you, and I think she does, she would come with you.’

Loki cast his eyes down, he wasn’t so sure about that. Anna of course didn’t know who he was and what he had done, but Sigyn did. If New York City wasn’t the problem, he was. They hadn’t seen each other for months, maybe they were strangers to each other now.

Anna laid her hand on his arm. ‘Go, I would love to meet her.’

Loki looked at her and was overwhelmed by her embrace.

*

It was high summer in Asgard. The sun shone bright and the trees and fields were coloured deep green. Ice had melted of the mountain tops and the river was flowing. Loki had travelled via the portals. The route Midgard - Svartalfheim – Asgard was still open. He transformed himself into a bird with black feathers and a green undertone. He passed the statue of Borr and flew to Fensalir. His heart started racing in his chest when he saw her standing on the balcony. She looked in the direction of the mountains, but didn’t see him coming towards her.

When he landed on the railing she turned her gaze towards him and smiled thinly. ‘Hello birdy’, she said. ‘Have you come to accompany me?’

Loki bended his head sideways. Was she ill? Her eyes looked dull and her cheeks were hollow. She was as white as the dress she wore and she was thin, too thin. She reached her bony hand to him and when she touched him he changed into himself. She shrieked and stumbled backwards.

‘Please, don’t be afraid. You might not recognize me, but I am still the sneaky trickster you helped once. Remember?’

Sigyn nodded and placed one hand before her mouth.

‘How are you?’ Loki asked softly.

She didn’t answer him, only her eyes widened.

‘I am sorry… for coming unannounced’, he cast his eyes down. ‘You probably...’, but he didn’t finish his sentence. He clenched his hands into fists. All the talking about relationships had made him think about Sigyn again and he couldn’t get her out of his head. But he wasn’t the Loki she once knew anymore. He maybe even scared her. Anna was wrong, he shouldn’t have come here, it was too long ago. She might have loved him once, but they were close for just a short period of time, too short.

‘Loki.’ It was her sweet voice and her bony hand on his cheek that made him look at her. She had tears in her eyes and her hand was trembling. ‘I can’t believe you are really here.’

‘I am. I am here.’

‘You look so different.’

Loki realized he was here dressed in his Midgardian clothes. Perhaps he should have changed into his Asgardian outfit, the one she recognized him by.

‘If it’s the clothes, then…’

She shook her head. ‘You look… happy.’

Loki was shocked by that word. Happy. It was foreign to him, it didn’t belong to him. It belonged to Thor, to other gods, to other people, _not_ to him. But he was, he didn’t realize until now, he actually was. ‘I am’, he said softly, almost feeling guilty.

Sigyn smiled. It was a genuine smile, one he saw such a long time ago, one he had missed.

‘That’s all Frigga ever wanted you to be’, she answered.

Loki took her hands in his. ‘What about you? You look not well, Sigyn.’

Sigyn shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘Yes, it does’, and Loki took her in his arms. ‘It does to me.’ He nuzzled his nose through her hair, it smelled like the water lilies in the pond from the entry hall of Fensalir. ‘I missed you’, he whispered and softly she started crying. ‘You are my home’, he followed.

And it was true. She was his home. He knew it from the moment he saw her standing on the balcony, he knew it when she touched him, when he held her. She was his home. He didn’t realize it until now. He let go of her and looked into her eyes, they were blood stained. ‘Come live with me in New York.’

‘You mean Midgard?’ Sigyn asked with a trembling voice.

‘Yes. I have an apartment there, something you can call a job, it’s not serious, but it’s fun, and I even have friends. You could have a profession as well, you can teach, for example, just like you do here. And I promise you would love the food, Midgardians are the best in preparing food. We could even live as husband and wife. I have never been to a Midgardian wedding, but I bet we could make something out of it.’

Sigyn laughed through her tears. He had missed that laugh, her genuine laugh. ‘Are you asking me to marry you now?’

Loki took her hands in his. ‘Yes, yes I am.’

Her mouth trembled and she placed her forehead against his. ‘You are mad’, her voice sounded thick.

‘I know’, Loki whispered, ‘but if you can live with that then…’

‘I can’, she answered and placed her arms around his neck. They looked at each other and she nodded. ‘I want to. I missed you so much.’

Loki kissed her forehead and placed his arms around her waist. ‘My sweet Sigyn.’ He pressed her close against him and their lips found each other in a lingering kiss.


End file.
